and may you have a beautiful christmas, every one of you.
i love you.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
hot coffee
last night i laid awake in my own wonderfully miraculous and comfortable bed, thanking God for heat, and thinking how fun it would be to make this years holidays into my own special version of "12 days of christmas"
on the 12th day of christmas, my true love sent to me:
12 roaches roaming
11 loads of laundry
10 inches of snow
9 bills behind
8
7
6 kerosene eggs
5
4 days without power
3
2 christmas parties
1 and a painted lady in mamaw's spare room
alas, my christmas spirit has been put slightly askew. 'needs some work. i realize it may not make it in the top 20.
our power came back on last night. they've had to pull in power companies from as far as nashville to get this area up and and running again. and i, for one, am sooooo grateful for their long hours and hard work.
i took out an advance on our taxes. so i can catch up the car payments and buy groceries and put a few presents under the tree. its not much, but to me, its perfect.
ya know, yesterday, we realized not everyone had been able to seek shelter or had access to a heater in our little neighborhood. its been a ghost town around here, so we were literally shocked when an elderly neighbor ventured outside while jason scraped off the car windows and asked if we knew anything about the power. we visited a minute and jason asked if they'd please come over to stay warm. he politely turned us down, commenting that his wife has alzheimers and it would just be more confusing for her. but he asked if we could please get him and his wife a cup of coffee.
we were going to the store for more kerosene, and stopped at mcdonalds for 2 coffees and some cheeseburgers, first.
when they came to the door, it was with such genuine gratitude. they welcomed me into their home and accepted the food with tears in the mans eyes. "thank you. ohhh thank you so much. you're so kind." his wife, so tiny and frail, wrapped in blankets, smiled, wide-eyed, as she reached for coffee. she took it, ever so gently, and wrapped her cold hands around it, breathing it in deeply. "ohhh smell it. its heaven."
after encouraging them to come be warm with us,and being graciously declined, i said my goodbyes' and walked quietly back up the road, deep in thought.
people do dumb things. and they spew stupidity at times. jason and k have been *texting* randomly over the past few months. for me, this has been particularly difficult, for obvious reasons. for me, this is too little too late. for me, this feels like abandonment all over again. that jason would choose to resume any form of relationship with this person after all this time and everything we, and namely i, went through. after i begged to deal with this and not put it on a shelf. after i pleaded for counseling and reconcilliation for the sake of healing 2 very broken families.
jason picked me up from work at the end of the road sunday night. we talked about the random events of the day when he suddenly said, "you know what hurts my heart? i told k that our power's been out and not once did he even ask me and bella to come over there where its warm".
what do you SAY to that?
this is the guy that was supposed to be your best friend for 20 some odd years. this is the guy that lied to you, stole from you, raped your wife.
and he has the gall to not care about your wellbeing.
wow.
a new friend stopped in to visit last night. he does beautiful paintings, particularly portraits, and as a christmas present for my mother in law, he'd immortalized bella in a chalk drawing. its beautiful and i know she'll be pleased. there was light banter all-around, while i wandered in and out, catching up on loads of laundry and squaring things away.
jason and bella teased eachother relentlessly, and i laughed, saying, "see what i have to put up with....i have 2 kids, not 1". jason jabbed back, "well i have 3, indcluding the dog".
"oh, reallllly?", i said. "well i don't have to do your laundry then, do i?"
he raised an eyebrow and said, "oh realllly. and who does laundry on the weekends?" he nodded to our friend. "mmhmmm. doesn't do a thing all week and then leaves all the work for me for the weekends when she's gone.".
ordinarily, this would have been silly, harmless fun. i have a thick skin, and we poke fun at eachother all the time. its what we do.
but for some reason, after the past many, many months, the hardships, the financial difficulty, him being unemployed and all the overtime i've put in, in effort to compensate for what i've viewed as his lackadaisal attitude....it all came crashing down on me and i caught myself in a sudden, unexpected sob, excusing myself from the room.
i escaped to the bathroom where my crying could be drowned out by the hum of the washing machine. my emotions had caught me off guard. i was embaressed because i knew jason and our friend hadn't seen our conversation as anything other than playful. and yet i was angry that he didn't see how hurtful he could be. all of a sudden, all my hard work felt cheap and under-appreciated. regrettable.
i eventually squared my shoulders and joined them back in the living room. but there was an elephant in the room. our friend left, a short time later, and after tucking bella into bed, i headed to the bathtub for a highly-anticipated-for-the-last-4-days hot shower.
jason said, "hey....come here." i looked at him with tears in my eyes, and said, "no. if i don't do anything else right, i take care of my family. and i'm proud of that. i know you were joking. and i know you think you meant nothing by it. but it hurt me. and after everything we've been through? i'm still here. and that means something. i forgive you. and i'll get over it. but right now, i'm mad. and i can be."
the rest of the evening was quiet. nothing more was said. but i went to bed with a stronger reserve. and i went to bed not angry.
more and more, i'm realizing that life, every day of it, is, in its most divine simplicity, what we make of it. and i can only be responsible for myself. for the choices i'm making. for my words, and my actions. its a struggle, this loving yourself. but its a good struggle. full of passion and fury and learning and growth.
we're on a journey, he and i. in our relationship together, and as individuals. and some lessons, no matter how hard, can only be obtained on our own. i cannot claim to understand where his heart is, right now, nor the dynamics of his and k's relationship. only he can walk this. and he will never know all the channels of my heart and my hurts. but i'm waiting, on this road we're on. and that stands for something.
so things are not perfect. but i'm choosing to be content in today. and i'm reflecting on a hot cup of coffee. and a little touch of heaven.
on the 12th day of christmas, my true love sent to me:
12 roaches roaming
11 loads of laundry
10 inches of snow
9 bills behind
8
7
6 kerosene eggs
5
4 days without power
3
2 christmas parties
1 and a painted lady in mamaw's spare room
alas, my christmas spirit has been put slightly askew. 'needs some work. i realize it may not make it in the top 20.
our power came back on last night. they've had to pull in power companies from as far as nashville to get this area up and and running again. and i, for one, am sooooo grateful for their long hours and hard work.
i took out an advance on our taxes. so i can catch up the car payments and buy groceries and put a few presents under the tree. its not much, but to me, its perfect.
ya know, yesterday, we realized not everyone had been able to seek shelter or had access to a heater in our little neighborhood. its been a ghost town around here, so we were literally shocked when an elderly neighbor ventured outside while jason scraped off the car windows and asked if we knew anything about the power. we visited a minute and jason asked if they'd please come over to stay warm. he politely turned us down, commenting that his wife has alzheimers and it would just be more confusing for her. but he asked if we could please get him and his wife a cup of coffee.
we were going to the store for more kerosene, and stopped at mcdonalds for 2 coffees and some cheeseburgers, first.
when they came to the door, it was with such genuine gratitude. they welcomed me into their home and accepted the food with tears in the mans eyes. "thank you. ohhh thank you so much. you're so kind." his wife, so tiny and frail, wrapped in blankets, smiled, wide-eyed, as she reached for coffee. she took it, ever so gently, and wrapped her cold hands around it, breathing it in deeply. "ohhh smell it. its heaven."
after encouraging them to come be warm with us,and being graciously declined, i said my goodbyes' and walked quietly back up the road, deep in thought.
people do dumb things. and they spew stupidity at times. jason and k have been *texting* randomly over the past few months. for me, this has been particularly difficult, for obvious reasons. for me, this is too little too late. for me, this feels like abandonment all over again. that jason would choose to resume any form of relationship with this person after all this time and everything we, and namely i, went through. after i begged to deal with this and not put it on a shelf. after i pleaded for counseling and reconcilliation for the sake of healing 2 very broken families.
jason picked me up from work at the end of the road sunday night. we talked about the random events of the day when he suddenly said, "you know what hurts my heart? i told k that our power's been out and not once did he even ask me and bella to come over there where its warm".
what do you SAY to that?
this is the guy that was supposed to be your best friend for 20 some odd years. this is the guy that lied to you, stole from you, raped your wife.
and he has the gall to not care about your wellbeing.
wow.
a new friend stopped in to visit last night. he does beautiful paintings, particularly portraits, and as a christmas present for my mother in law, he'd immortalized bella in a chalk drawing. its beautiful and i know she'll be pleased. there was light banter all-around, while i wandered in and out, catching up on loads of laundry and squaring things away.
jason and bella teased eachother relentlessly, and i laughed, saying, "see what i have to put up with....i have 2 kids, not 1". jason jabbed back, "well i have 3, indcluding the dog".
"oh, reallllly?", i said. "well i don't have to do your laundry then, do i?"
he raised an eyebrow and said, "oh realllly. and who does laundry on the weekends?" he nodded to our friend. "mmhmmm. doesn't do a thing all week and then leaves all the work for me for the weekends when she's gone.".
ordinarily, this would have been silly, harmless fun. i have a thick skin, and we poke fun at eachother all the time. its what we do.
but for some reason, after the past many, many months, the hardships, the financial difficulty, him being unemployed and all the overtime i've put in, in effort to compensate for what i've viewed as his lackadaisal attitude....it all came crashing down on me and i caught myself in a sudden, unexpected sob, excusing myself from the room.
i escaped to the bathroom where my crying could be drowned out by the hum of the washing machine. my emotions had caught me off guard. i was embaressed because i knew jason and our friend hadn't seen our conversation as anything other than playful. and yet i was angry that he didn't see how hurtful he could be. all of a sudden, all my hard work felt cheap and under-appreciated. regrettable.
i eventually squared my shoulders and joined them back in the living room. but there was an elephant in the room. our friend left, a short time later, and after tucking bella into bed, i headed to the bathtub for a highly-anticipated-for-the-last-4-days hot shower.
jason said, "hey....come here." i looked at him with tears in my eyes, and said, "no. if i don't do anything else right, i take care of my family. and i'm proud of that. i know you were joking. and i know you think you meant nothing by it. but it hurt me. and after everything we've been through? i'm still here. and that means something. i forgive you. and i'll get over it. but right now, i'm mad. and i can be."
the rest of the evening was quiet. nothing more was said. but i went to bed with a stronger reserve. and i went to bed not angry.
more and more, i'm realizing that life, every day of it, is, in its most divine simplicity, what we make of it. and i can only be responsible for myself. for the choices i'm making. for my words, and my actions. its a struggle, this loving yourself. but its a good struggle. full of passion and fury and learning and growth.
we're on a journey, he and i. in our relationship together, and as individuals. and some lessons, no matter how hard, can only be obtained on our own. i cannot claim to understand where his heart is, right now, nor the dynamics of his and k's relationship. only he can walk this. and he will never know all the channels of my heart and my hurts. but i'm waiting, on this road we're on. and that stands for something.
so things are not perfect. but i'm choosing to be content in today. and i'm reflecting on a hot cup of coffee. and a little touch of heaven.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Coooold
I'm having a reaaallly bad day. And becuz i've earned the right? I'm pretty sure i'm gonna take this moment to wallow in it.
We haven't had heat in 3 days. I'm currently at work with a coworker that might just be the most endearing yet exasperating person in THE ENTIRE WORLD.
pretty sure this is a preview of hell.
Last night, in an effort to stay warm, i agreed that sleeping on bella's great grandma's couch with a 9 year old and my mother in law sounded like a GOOD IDEA. i use the term *sleep* loosely. When not counting cockroaches and explaining why her great uncle was entertaining a prostitute in the laundry room, i prayed for swift death. I woke up smelling like a cross between a urinal and wet dog.
My mom sent $ for christmas. 3/4 of it has gone to a kerosene heater. Which is being housed at my in laws. Which means i'll get to be warm at least tonite. While i sleep on the floor. With my inhalers. Becuz they're chain-smokers.
Christmas is in 5 days. I have no money. No presents for anyone here. And a headache THIS BIG.
i know i'm being really grumpy and selfish. And God? If this is what it felt like a few hundred years ago when mary & joseph were just trying to find a warm place to lay their heads... Well this is an awfully big humbling.
so i want to thank you. Thank you for the important things that matter. Thank you for my family. Thank you for love. And thank you for reminding me of that with your own perfect love and gift of yourself.
And if you could see fit to turn the heat back on? That'd be awesome.
Brrrrr
This marks our 3rd day without power and heat. East tennessee has had the biggest snow storm i've seen in my 12 years here. Please send lots of prayers and warm hugs.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
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