spring

you could ask where in the world, the last 4 months have gone. and i'd be apt to tell you the truth: that i barely trudged thru the winter with my sanity (and lungs) in tow. ugh. not very pretty.

but rather than focus on the negative, i'm choosing to move forward. in a few short weeks, we'll celebrate easter. and after a long hard winter, i couldn't be more excited. spring has officially moved in & set up housekeeping. or rather she's been ordering ME around. clean this, mow that, plant some seeds, and for the love of everything holy, put the AC's in. its HOT in this sardine mansion.

this morning i've gone back & forth between *bitter self pity* & *cowgirl up* mode. to catch you up to date, i finally got the holy grail of shifts back: day shift. and yet a mere 2 weeks later found me frantically trying to get rid of it so i could help my MIL out with a snap decision to bring HER mother & my FIL home from the nursing home. I went down to a 2nd shift & lost all kinds of money & perks. i OFFERED to do this tho. and I'd like to believe I made my choice out of love; that my heart was in the right place, but that would be playing a little out of left field. i STRUGGLED with my choice. BITTERLY.

then 2 weeks later, as suddenly as it had started, it ended, with my MIL's decision to let go of the reigns & put mamaw back in a full time care facility & let Ray stay, after surgery to amputate his other leg. oi vey. while i could & should be celebrating my MIL's realization that she is just as deserving of a break, and my FIL making it thru such a major surgery so well, instead, all at once, i feel like i've been the parachute tethered to a tree & suddenly cut loose to free fall.

and i'm dissapointed to admit i've become one of those people that cries out from under the heap of chaos that surrounds her life, only to desperately drag it back in when she finds herself, at once, alone.

i feel like i'm trying to re-find my purpose. i feel naked & vulnerable & not a little worthless, when my plate isn't full and i don't have others to care for. and yet, isn't there something to be said for *being still* at times in our lives? that there is a big DIFFERENCE between that *being still* & *doing nothing.*

i know i could find joy in this strange new change. if i only looked. or maybe listened. but i'm struggling with that a little. so if you happen to think of it for just a minute today, send an extra prayer my way? <3

the pregnant pause

fraught with meaning...right?

i read the greatest post today over on So Every Day where she talks about the Shema:

Hear O Israel. The Lord is your God. The Lord alone. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your might . And love your neighbor as yourself.

did i mention i heart you, keigley family? you inspire me.

it put me right at the core of where i'm at in my own life right now and how i've been concentrating, really, realllllly hard on loving and being the bigger person. especially when "i don't wanna".

there's a coworker of mine. ooooh, that girl. she can make my blood boil. but despite what they tell you about revenge, turns out the smallest change of attitude on MY part goes a loooong way.

and there's the little neighbor girl. i've had the hardest time lately, being graceful under fire, so to speak. thats a blog for another day, but lets just say i'm praying daily to be that good example....while i'm tackling that learning curve.

Despite all my angst and inner/outer yearning for a church home after we'd made the difficult decision to leave ours several months ago, God moved us in to just the right spot in His own unique way. i didn't see that coming. but i'm oh-so-grateful.

there are changes and challenges and new people and circumstances in my life right now. and its good. change is good.

i watched Eat Pray Love. excellent words to live by and some really good life lessons along the way, tho not nearly the sheer awesome wonder i'd anticipated. still...good.

we had a really nice, low-key thanksgiving. quiet. i made 2 seperate meals ~ one for work and the other for jasons' family. after work and being up for 48 hours straight, i was exhausted when it was all said and done but in the aftermath, i slept better than i have in a long time.

a good friend is pregnant. i can't lie. i've been a smidge jealous and apparently having sympathy cravings. i took a pregnancy test just to be sure. but nope, the result came back: "you've settled into fatness. welcome to winter."

coincidentally, the treadmill and i are still loathesome lovers.

i stopped in to see an old friend yesterday. a dear friend. its something i've meant to do for a long while. but there's always excuses. i bumped into a family member a week ago at walmart. i had a car full of tweens, eager to grab snacks for their slumber party as she and i stood in the parking lot, awkwardly tried to converse. she finally blurted out she was sorry she hadn't been by to see jasons dad. that she expects any day to get *that phone call*. but "life gets busy".

we went our seperate ways, me sorting thru my frustration, yet realizing thats what we all say, isn't it? life gets busy.

what really happens, is that WE get in the way.

so i got out of my way yesterday. i messaged my friend and made arrangements and i made up a goodie bag with a long overdue housewarming gift. she loved it. and we sat and caught up over coffee and fresh sourdough bread and 2 pet rats.

awesome.

tomorrow is december. and i've never been more excited to embark on a new month.

on looking that gift horse in the mouth

have you ever wanted something really, really bad... so much so, you could practically taste it? and you're convinced that if you just had said item, life would be so much grander and everything would just magically fall into place. only to get it, and for some reason or another, discover its a huge dissapointment....

so i've been working on this whole balancing act thing....trying to see the good in circumstances that aren't always so stellar. forgiving myself when i don't make mom-of-the-year every day, or if go over my calories, and working on things like resting and exercising when i can. and meanwhile, i've been thinking ahead, and daydreaming of things like that *maybe* vacation next year and that *maybe* treadmill some day so i won't have an excuse not to still sweat a little when it gets a little too cold outside. and i've been happy...God's been so good.

so we were visiting some friends a week or so ago and while the men did manly things and the kids ran around enjoying the last bits of summer, my friend & i sliced and diced in the kitchen, preparing to grill out, and talked about girl stuff. we made a date to try out her new EA sports game on the wii one of these weekends when the guys go fishing and i mentioned that i'd love to see about finding a used treadmill when we file income taxes.

turns out they had one in storage up at her inlaws. her husband had bought one for her a couple years ago and the very next week they discovered she was pregnant, so it quickly went by the wayside and ended up being hauled off. and as our talk turned excitedly towards the prospect of digging it out for me, i couldn't help but believe God's awesome timing and blessing.

all this week, i've dreamt about it. hoping, maybe just a little selfishly,that they wouldn't change their mind....wondering how big it was and where i'd put it in our teeny tiny trailer. but come yesterday, yes, they did still want to let us have it, and as we drove out to pick it up, i could barely contain my excitement.

her inlaws live in a big cabin on the top of a mountain, so i imagined it would be stored away in a closet, but when we arrived, instead, were led out to the garage. no big deal....i figured a little dust & i sighed a little sigh of relief when he pointed to the corner and i saw that it was covered with a tarp....but as he walked off to grab the dolly & jason pulled back the cover, i saw that it was covered in chicken droppings.

now they live on a farm that would be any childs' dream......plenty of room to run and explore, and all kinds of animals....pigs, goats, geese, cats, dogs and yes, chickens. lots of em. so the droppings...par for the course, and in & of itself, not such a big deal.... nothing a good cleanup couldn't cure. but immediately, i started to worry..... in high school my jr year, during a mission trip with friends, i contracted histoplasmosis. only mine was a severe case and only the 3rd recorded in my state. i'd contracted mono in jr high & my immune system had never been the same. so the histo wreaked havoc on my lungs, leaving permanent damage. each year, pneumonia is a very real authentic fear for me and with the return of my asthma & the added need for inhalers 2 years ago, i'm especially cautious. its not a fun feeling to desperately need air.

still, i bit my lip and smiled, as they dusted it off abit and pointed out some of the cool features....it was nice. bigger than i'd imagined, but it folded up.....

calm down, katherine. its only chicken poop.

jason, sensing my stress meter, jumped to my rescue and casually asked if we could maybe hose it off just abit before loading it in the truck. i shot him a desperate thank you smile.

so it wasn't perfect. ok. but still.....someone was handing me a free treadmill. and i was grateful. so i stepped to the side as jason heaved it back on the dolly and one of the resident male cats paused to give it a good spray.

and honestly i'm proud that i casually covered a mortified gasp with a borderline awesome hiccup/snort combination as i walked back outside.

when we arrived home, jason took some rags and cleaner and went to work on it right away. bless his heart, he knows me so well, and is so good to me. i am abit of an anal retentive freak when it comes to a clean house and *smells*. i'm so thankful that jason just kinda takes me in stride....

so after a proper wash-down, we got it in the kitchen, which was no small feat, considering that this thing really was big. and as we tried to situate it, i realized with a sinking heart that it was going to be an eyesore and an inconvenience no matter which way we tried to position it. the only place it will fit, is in the kitchen. which means either turning the table sideways or setting it where it will jut out in the middle of everywhere. still, i bit my tongue. its a free treadmill. be thankful. work around it. think positive.

IT STILL FOLDS UP.

which means there is hope.

only,

it doesn't. :(

for some reason....maybe it was all that time in storage, or its stint as a giant metal chicken perch, or 2 big moves, or 5 kids taking turns seeing how long they could stay on at 10 mph with no hands, while the moms fussed and the dads cheered on from the sidelines....

at any rate, the incline is stuck at *near impossible* and therefore will also not close.

on the plus side, you'll be happy to know the winning record was 35.4 seconds, held proudly by the little neighbor girl and resulted in little more than a mild concussion and belt burn. the dads called this a solid victory. (p.s. i'm only kidding about the concussion. the belt burn....not so much)

but i digress.

anyways, i spent nearly an hour last night on the internet trying to find a troubleshooting guide. we tweaked and messed and jimmy-rigged, to no avail. i finally gave it a disgusted look and declared it was bedtime. tomorrow was another day. so i got up this morning and first positioned it in a different spot where, if i looked sideways and squinted, i could still see the tv. i decided that it looks ultimately stupid there, but told myself its all the spirit of *exercise! in the winter!*

so i ignored the mess, and i took bella to schoo,l and after taking my father in law to his eye appointment this morning, i came home and went down to business. i changed into my walking grubs and mounted that sucker, looking it squarely in the console. i decided that surely it couldn't be that difficult, walking at an incline ALL THE TIME.

its good for me. it'll make me burn some more calories.

and it was free, lest i remind us all again.

this is do-able.

rrnt. wrong. negator. i may as well have been hiking a pyramid. 10 minutes in, on the sucker and it had the nerve to tell me i'd only burned 45 calories. to top it off, the chicken damage is done and i dunno if there's a clorox strong enough to kick it. so not only was i sweating as i fell (literally) off that heaving sweatmonger, but i was hunting for my inhaler too.

sigh.

if someone could please, please remind me of the good still in this, i'd be much obliged.

the good stuff

i heart sarah markley and how God's using her blog to lend hope for hurting hearts. such an awesome snippet i read today....

Remember today that you cost a lot. In fact, you’ve been anticipated. You’ve been expected. You've been sought after. God gave His life for you and it cost Him everything. But you were worth it. He has waited for you, tip-toed to watch you and paid all that He had for you. And because He’s done that, He has given you unspeakable value and worth. He will never be bored with the beauty that is YOU. You, my friends, are worth waiting for.

misery, as it turns out, does not enjoy company

my happy place today consisted of a healthy dose of mucinex-D & a glorious box of 150count kleenex, fortified with aloe vera lotion.

no. i don't think you understand.

the agony of the sinus infection. the effort its taken to work every 10 hour shift this week. the twinge of pain in handing over $21.47 for that precious box of *decongestant hope* and the labored steps it took to walk ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE STORE after the LONGEST SHIFT EVER to search out that precious, precious, comforting cardboard container of nasal softness.

i was only in the bathroom for a minute.

and the stupid, STUPID chihuahua ate my kleenex.