bella and jason have finally gone on to sleep. so its just me with my tears and head full of thoughts tonite, with a tiny kitten wrapped in a towel at my side. we don't know if it was the door or jason stepping out in a dark kitchen that caught her but i'm fairly certain her little back is broken. i know if i take her to the vet, they'll put her down. and maybe to some, that would seem more humane. but we prayed over her that God would take away her pain and if she's meant to be with us, He'll heal her; if she's hurting, He'll take her home.

two short weeks ago, i was going about my mundane household chores, numbly loading a wash of clothes before work, abentmindedly praying. and thinking to myself, i needed something to snap me out of this depression i'd found myself in. at the very moment i thought it, i rebuked it, knowing good and well that only bad can come from that train of thought. and tho i know this isn't neccesarily that *something*, i can't help but find the irony in it.

sometimes i think i...we...get lost. lost in the day to day. the routines. the *normalness* that is our lives. with the stress...the living paycheck to paycheck...the bills...dissapointments. we lose ourselves. and eachother along the way.

jason and i used to talk for hours. about everything. about nothing at all. after 11 years of marriage, with a child and opposing schedules those talks are few and far between. lately, i've been battling migraines again and i've felt old and fat and in many ways useless. lost. i think to myself...is this how families drift apart? without even realizing it...

as i finished my last batch of the 72 cupcakes i was making for childrens church last nite, i paused for a minute to let myself catch up. i'd been awake since thursday nite by this time because i'd been called into work for an emergency 12 hour 3rd shift friday. bella was having a friend stay over and yesterday was just a busy day all the way around. too much going on. too much to do. and it was catching up with me. i surveyed my hectic household from my vantage point in my tiny kitchen and just felt overwhelmed. the house was a wreck....after they'd begged and begged us to put the tent up for a camp out, they were still in the house playing. there were kittens underfoot & i'd never felt so closed in. i'd lost control and in exasperation, i thought to myself...Lord...if only our children knew how much we do for them. how much we sacrifice.

then i thought, wow. I bet God feels that way alot.

i talk a good game. i go thru the motions....i pray. i read my devotions...sometimes. we go to church every sunday and i'm the leader of our childrens church ministry. but on a deeper level, there are times, often, when i feel very disconnected from God. and because of that, myself. my husband. my daughter.

today has been bittersweet. i struggled to keep it together & keep a class full of active kids attention for the hour that i had them. ages ranged from 2-12 and i'd planned a quick lesson with crafts for dads. as usual, lately, i felt completely exhausted by the time church let out. dissapointed in myself. i always feel like i could and should be so much more for them. but my heart just hasn't been in it. as much as i love these precious kids... instead of loving this opportunity, its felt more like a burden.

in so many ways, our tiny church is growing and changing, and with that, there are bound to be bumps in the road. when our pastors wife came to me, asking if I'd take this roll, i was honored and excited about the possibilities. but weeks later, i feel very much left out of the loop. i'm dissapointed that I'M not getting *fed*. and what i thought was to be a small group with younger kids has manifested into a 10 year age range. rather than someone volunteering for nursery duty, i've got them all. and not only am i struggling with the creativity it takes to manage that but the energy as well. know i could speak up but thats a hard thing on my pride. i don't want to have a helper. i don't want to admit defeat. and again, i don't want to disspoint. they've said they'll get me a key....they'll move the copier over to my room, but have yet to do it. so i'm stuck with bringing everything with me as i'm not able to fully prepare beforehand. and going to kinkos to make copies every saturday, cuz my printers out of ink and thats cheaper than buying a new cartridge.

i don't think i've ever FELT like i was in my 30's until these last few months. i have all these aches and pains, deep in my joints. there are many, many nights that i'm in so much pain i cry myself to sleep or take a walmart sleeping pill just to get away from the pain. it takes me back instantly to my junior year in high school. every joint hurt and not only was it painful physically but emotionally as well, feeling that i wasn't being taken seriously. even when mom doubted me, she was there for me. trouble is, i don't get that priviledge now. I'M the mom and i have to work and i can't just lay down. and insurance or not, going to the doctor just terrifies me. i don't want to think there's something seriously wrong with me. and worse, i don't want to go and have them look at me and just say, no you're fine. youre' just old and fat. welcome to your 30's. you've officially arrived.

suck it up. preferably before your 40's.

i thought alot about ray today. and from jason's quietness, i know he has too. i wish he'd talk about him with me. but maybe its just too fresh. maybe i shouldn't push him. i thought about linda. i wondered if today was hard for her. she lives right next door. i should have walked over to visit with her. but i didn't. i thought about my birth dad today. i wondered if he ever feels regret. i talked with my REAL dad today. i thought about all the stuff i wished i'd have done more with him, growing up. i thought about all the things i wish i could say to him now but it just never seems the right time....i told him i loved him and wanted him to know how much. in typical dad style he said, "you bet". :)

this was my favorite kitten out of the bunch. the tiniest. mischievious. even tho we said from the very beginning that bella could just keep one, secretly this was my favorite. bella nicknamed her precious for the time being and she has been just that. as i watch her faint breathing, i can't help but wish for a miracle...that she'd stretch and yawn and jump up to play. and at the same time, it breaks my heart and i wish God would just hug her up with him.

i find it fitting that bella called her precious. our time here is so fleeting. and time we have together, more precious than all the money in the world. i've tried to be strong for bella and jason tonite, jumping into mom mode, the minute jason cried out for me to come help him. i cleaned her and wrapped her up. i comforted, i prayed, i wiped away tears on both of my sweethearts faces.... and all the while a million thoughts rushing thru my mind. its MY fault. if' i'd have just not put it off, i would've got the mama, Zoe fixed so we'd neverd have had kittens to begin with. i should've kept them in the bathroom instead of letting them have free range in the kitchen where they're underfoot. it could have just as easily happened to me last nite while i was making cupcakes. jason shoud've turned the light on. he should quit smoking anyway. i should've found them all homes by now. why did it have to be HER. and even as i tell jason he can't, i think of all the woulda-coulda-shouldas.

i can't bare to go to bed. i don't want her to be alone.

life is so painful sometimes. and i don't understand the meaning or the lesson in this. i think about all the awful horrible moments in my life. the ones that didn't make sense and the ones that did. and as i kiss her tiny little head, i can't help but think that thru it all, God does the same for each of us. even in those moments we feel so alone. He kisses our heads and tells us He loves us. that we're so very precious. that tho this is hard, he's right here with us & He's not going anywhere tonite.

mercies in disguise

spring

you could ask where in the world, the last 4 months have gone. and i'd be apt to tell you the truth: that i barely trudged thru the winter with my sanity (and lungs) in tow. ugh. not very pretty.

but rather than focus on the negative, i'm choosing to move forward. in a few short weeks, we'll celebrate easter. and after a long hard winter, i couldn't be more excited. spring has officially moved in & set up housekeeping. or rather she's been ordering ME around. clean this, mow that, plant some seeds, and for the love of everything holy, put the AC's in. its HOT in this sardine mansion.

this morning i've gone back & forth between *bitter self pity* & *cowgirl up* mode. to catch you up to date, i finally got the holy grail of shifts back: day shift. and yet a mere 2 weeks later found me frantically trying to get rid of it so i could help my MIL out with a snap decision to bring HER mother & my FIL home from the nursing home. I went down to a 2nd shift & lost all kinds of money & perks. i OFFERED to do this tho. and I'd like to believe I made my choice out of love; that my heart was in the right place, but that would be playing a little out of left field. i STRUGGLED with my choice. BITTERLY.

then 2 weeks later, as suddenly as it had started, it ended, with my MIL's decision to let go of the reigns & put mamaw back in a full time care facility & let Ray stay, after surgery to amputate his other leg. oi vey. while i could & should be celebrating my MIL's realization that she is just as deserving of a break, and my FIL making it thru such a major surgery so well, instead, all at once, i feel like i've been the parachute tethered to a tree & suddenly cut loose to free fall.

and i'm dissapointed to admit i've become one of those people that cries out from under the heap of chaos that surrounds her life, only to desperately drag it back in when she finds herself, at once, alone.

i feel like i'm trying to re-find my purpose. i feel naked & vulnerable & not a little worthless, when my plate isn't full and i don't have others to care for. and yet, isn't there something to be said for *being still* at times in our lives? that there is a big DIFFERENCE between that *being still* & *doing nothing.*

i know i could find joy in this strange new change. if i only looked. or maybe listened. but i'm struggling with that a little. so if you happen to think of it for just a minute today, send an extra prayer my way? <3

the pregnant pause

fraught with meaning...right?

i read the greatest post today over on So Every Day where she talks about the Shema:

Hear O Israel. The Lord is your God. The Lord alone. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your might . And love your neighbor as yourself.

did i mention i heart you, keigley family? you inspire me.

it put me right at the core of where i'm at in my own life right now and how i've been concentrating, really, realllllly hard on loving and being the bigger person. especially when "i don't wanna".

there's a coworker of mine. ooooh, that girl. she can make my blood boil. but despite what they tell you about revenge, turns out the smallest change of attitude on MY part goes a loooong way.

and there's the little neighbor girl. i've had the hardest time lately, being graceful under fire, so to speak. thats a blog for another day, but lets just say i'm praying daily to be that good example....while i'm tackling that learning curve.

Despite all my angst and inner/outer yearning for a church home after we'd made the difficult decision to leave ours several months ago, God moved us in to just the right spot in His own unique way. i didn't see that coming. but i'm oh-so-grateful.

there are changes and challenges and new people and circumstances in my life right now. and its good. change is good.

i watched Eat Pray Love. excellent words to live by and some really good life lessons along the way, tho not nearly the sheer awesome wonder i'd anticipated. still...good.

we had a really nice, low-key thanksgiving. quiet. i made 2 seperate meals ~ one for work and the other for jasons' family. after work and being up for 48 hours straight, i was exhausted when it was all said and done but in the aftermath, i slept better than i have in a long time.

a good friend is pregnant. i can't lie. i've been a smidge jealous and apparently having sympathy cravings. i took a pregnancy test just to be sure. but nope, the result came back: "you've settled into fatness. welcome to winter."

coincidentally, the treadmill and i are still loathesome lovers.

i stopped in to see an old friend yesterday. a dear friend. its something i've meant to do for a long while. but there's always excuses. i bumped into a family member a week ago at walmart. i had a car full of tweens, eager to grab snacks for their slumber party as she and i stood in the parking lot, awkwardly tried to converse. she finally blurted out she was sorry she hadn't been by to see jasons dad. that she expects any day to get *that phone call*. but "life gets busy".

we went our seperate ways, me sorting thru my frustration, yet realizing thats what we all say, isn't it? life gets busy.

what really happens, is that WE get in the way.

so i got out of my way yesterday. i messaged my friend and made arrangements and i made up a goodie bag with a long overdue housewarming gift. she loved it. and we sat and caught up over coffee and fresh sourdough bread and 2 pet rats.

awesome.

tomorrow is december. and i've never been more excited to embark on a new month.

on looking that gift horse in the mouth

have you ever wanted something really, really bad... so much so, you could practically taste it? and you're convinced that if you just had said item, life would be so much grander and everything would just magically fall into place. only to get it, and for some reason or another, discover its a huge dissapointment....

so i've been working on this whole balancing act thing....trying to see the good in circumstances that aren't always so stellar. forgiving myself when i don't make mom-of-the-year every day, or if go over my calories, and working on things like resting and exercising when i can. and meanwhile, i've been thinking ahead, and daydreaming of things like that *maybe* vacation next year and that *maybe* treadmill some day so i won't have an excuse not to still sweat a little when it gets a little too cold outside. and i've been happy...God's been so good.

so we were visiting some friends a week or so ago and while the men did manly things and the kids ran around enjoying the last bits of summer, my friend & i sliced and diced in the kitchen, preparing to grill out, and talked about girl stuff. we made a date to try out her new EA sports game on the wii one of these weekends when the guys go fishing and i mentioned that i'd love to see about finding a used treadmill when we file income taxes.

turns out they had one in storage up at her inlaws. her husband had bought one for her a couple years ago and the very next week they discovered she was pregnant, so it quickly went by the wayside and ended up being hauled off. and as our talk turned excitedly towards the prospect of digging it out for me, i couldn't help but believe God's awesome timing and blessing.

all this week, i've dreamt about it. hoping, maybe just a little selfishly,that they wouldn't change their mind....wondering how big it was and where i'd put it in our teeny tiny trailer. but come yesterday, yes, they did still want to let us have it, and as we drove out to pick it up, i could barely contain my excitement.

her inlaws live in a big cabin on the top of a mountain, so i imagined it would be stored away in a closet, but when we arrived, instead, were led out to the garage. no big deal....i figured a little dust & i sighed a little sigh of relief when he pointed to the corner and i saw that it was covered with a tarp....but as he walked off to grab the dolly & jason pulled back the cover, i saw that it was covered in chicken droppings.

now they live on a farm that would be any childs' dream......plenty of room to run and explore, and all kinds of animals....pigs, goats, geese, cats, dogs and yes, chickens. lots of em. so the droppings...par for the course, and in & of itself, not such a big deal.... nothing a good cleanup couldn't cure. but immediately, i started to worry..... in high school my jr year, during a mission trip with friends, i contracted histoplasmosis. only mine was a severe case and only the 3rd recorded in my state. i'd contracted mono in jr high & my immune system had never been the same. so the histo wreaked havoc on my lungs, leaving permanent damage. each year, pneumonia is a very real authentic fear for me and with the return of my asthma & the added need for inhalers 2 years ago, i'm especially cautious. its not a fun feeling to desperately need air.

still, i bit my lip and smiled, as they dusted it off abit and pointed out some of the cool features....it was nice. bigger than i'd imagined, but it folded up.....

calm down, katherine. its only chicken poop.

jason, sensing my stress meter, jumped to my rescue and casually asked if we could maybe hose it off just abit before loading it in the truck. i shot him a desperate thank you smile.

so it wasn't perfect. ok. but still.....someone was handing me a free treadmill. and i was grateful. so i stepped to the side as jason heaved it back on the dolly and one of the resident male cats paused to give it a good spray.

and honestly i'm proud that i casually covered a mortified gasp with a borderline awesome hiccup/snort combination as i walked back outside.

when we arrived home, jason took some rags and cleaner and went to work on it right away. bless his heart, he knows me so well, and is so good to me. i am abit of an anal retentive freak when it comes to a clean house and *smells*. i'm so thankful that jason just kinda takes me in stride....

so after a proper wash-down, we got it in the kitchen, which was no small feat, considering that this thing really was big. and as we tried to situate it, i realized with a sinking heart that it was going to be an eyesore and an inconvenience no matter which way we tried to position it. the only place it will fit, is in the kitchen. which means either turning the table sideways or setting it where it will jut out in the middle of everywhere. still, i bit my tongue. its a free treadmill. be thankful. work around it. think positive.

IT STILL FOLDS UP.

which means there is hope.

only,

it doesn't. :(

for some reason....maybe it was all that time in storage, or its stint as a giant metal chicken perch, or 2 big moves, or 5 kids taking turns seeing how long they could stay on at 10 mph with no hands, while the moms fussed and the dads cheered on from the sidelines....

at any rate, the incline is stuck at *near impossible* and therefore will also not close.

on the plus side, you'll be happy to know the winning record was 35.4 seconds, held proudly by the little neighbor girl and resulted in little more than a mild concussion and belt burn. the dads called this a solid victory. (p.s. i'm only kidding about the concussion. the belt burn....not so much)

but i digress.

anyways, i spent nearly an hour last night on the internet trying to find a troubleshooting guide. we tweaked and messed and jimmy-rigged, to no avail. i finally gave it a disgusted look and declared it was bedtime. tomorrow was another day. so i got up this morning and first positioned it in a different spot where, if i looked sideways and squinted, i could still see the tv. i decided that it looks ultimately stupid there, but told myself its all the spirit of *exercise! in the winter!*

so i ignored the mess, and i took bella to schoo,l and after taking my father in law to his eye appointment this morning, i came home and went down to business. i changed into my walking grubs and mounted that sucker, looking it squarely in the console. i decided that surely it couldn't be that difficult, walking at an incline ALL THE TIME.

its good for me. it'll make me burn some more calories.

and it was free, lest i remind us all again.

this is do-able.

rrnt. wrong. negator. i may as well have been hiking a pyramid. 10 minutes in, on the sucker and it had the nerve to tell me i'd only burned 45 calories. to top it off, the chicken damage is done and i dunno if there's a clorox strong enough to kick it. so not only was i sweating as i fell (literally) off that heaving sweatmonger, but i was hunting for my inhaler too.

sigh.

if someone could please, please remind me of the good still in this, i'd be much obliged.