tuesday's child

mom tells me i was born on a tuesday, which corresponds directly with my middle name: anne. i'm sure somewhere i could look that up. but i'd almost rather not know. it would suck to be wednesday....

Mondays child is fair of face,

Tuesdays child is full of grace,

Wednesdays child is full of woe,

Thursdays child has far to go,

Fridays child is loving and giving,

Saturdays child works hard for his living,

And the child born on the Sabbath day, is bonny & blithe, and good & gay

so i met with the psychiatrist today for our initial consultation that went over by 30 minutes. her fault, not mine.

i'm always critical in these situations. so today, my emotion surprised even me. i've never just sat there and cried. this was indeed different.

somewhere in the midst of my projectile, i stated that what digs at me the most, is that for the first time in my life, i find myself uncertain of my purpose. not that i've ever full-on claimed to know exactly what i'm doing or where i'm going. but i've always somehow enjoyed the ride, which has been the one blessed crack in my anal retention. its been ok to explore the side roads. ok, that i'm this age and not yet "settled" by society terms. all of a sudden, i feel like i'm flailing around aimlessly in this heap on the floor and have not a clue as to how to get back up. i've battled depression off and on for over 17 years. but this hour feels my darkest.

she asked if i'm suicidal. i was truthful: not today.

she labeled me a nurturer, adding that i border on rescuer.

i acknowledge that. i find it one of my more honorable characteristics and quite possibly my biggest downfall. i have always Taken Care Of. i can remember being 3 years old and feeling the need to protect my mother. i recall a conversation nearly 4 years ago ~ a friend i'd lost touch with, dropped in one day, out of the blue. we settled into familiar banter and then she asked how i'd been. at the end of my speel, she leaned forward and nodded, saying, "ok. so how are you? at the time, it hit me like a ton of bricks, with the realization that i'd just spent that entire time talking about all the people in my life. as if that somehow made up me.

today, when i questioned God's purpose in this entire last year....last many years.....she wondered if maybe its his way of forcing me to let go. because i've not been doing such a hot job of it on my own. maybe he had to sit me down hard and rip off all the excess. you know, the guy in the bible that wrestled with God, and he had to break a rib before he cried uncle. maybe i lean to the right of stubborn? i blurted out my descriptive view on my Backpack of Crap. she gave a small laugh and asked if she could borrow that one day.

unfortunately, that is also to be my assignment for my next appointment. to actually take a look inside and give her a detailed list of the crap.

i don't know why i do that. always feel the urge to put everything on the table. all up front. its not that i dare you to recoil in horror and run screaming from all that is me. i just find it neccesary to keep you on the real, as the kids say.

i just really, really don't want to open that backpack. its been a loooong time.

she said she likes to work in 3's. she wanted me to list 3 things i hope to get out of talking to her. i half-snorted and caught myself. so i said i wanted to get to a point where i could let go. to me, logically, that is all encompassing. i feel as tho that in and of itself can set off a chain reaction for everything underneath. fine. she wanted 2 more. i said, i'd like to figure out where i'm at in this marriage. that surprised me ~ blatant honesty about the relationship contrived largely of convenience that has endured off and on, nearly 10 years. and finally, i'd like to figure out where i'm at with God. she wondered if we should move that to the top slot.

i was relieved when it was time to go....

i am utterly exhausted. i looked at myself in the mirror today. really, honestly looked. and i look old. and worn. and i don't want to. but there's the verbs and the nouns, c. so true....

yesterday was liberating. today has been relentless. i am here of my own accord. but i am here only because of closing some doors that i literally had to squeeze my eyes shut at and push. i deleted a web journal i've had for nearly 3 years because the negative overwhelmed the positive. but the truth is, the positive, i take with me wherever i go. and the people i need in my life, i have.

i need to call c back. i've been working so much overtime and yesterday i literally didn't get in til 9 pm. 25 + hours away from my bed. today wasn't much easier. up at 7....didn't get in til 8.

so tonite, i'll sleep. and tomorrow. will be tomorrow.