whats your sign

growing up, i was told astrology was a forbidden fruit, so to speak. that God "wasn't in signs and stars". and that these things were the neighbor to the dark arts. today, i feel much the same, tho my understanding and study of those dynamics has drastically changed. i believe in God and creation, period. and with that, the cycle of the sun and moons were set in motion for a purpose and significance.

if you think about it, all these natural things that surround us are of use. they are the balance that spurs the truth and connection in all beliefs grounded in meditation, down thru the ages.

i have never found horoscopes or readings of any kind especially useful or poignant. mostly, they're silly. i've had my taro drawn twice, by well-meaning acquaintances & found them to be mildly accurate, if entertaining. the only thing that stood out in both, was the presence of a dark haired male and the significanceof his connection with my life.

numerology is something else entirely, and reminds me of wordpage games we played in middle school. assigning letters with numbers ~ adding numbers until you were back to a single digit. for fun, i did my name one time. i found it interesting that my "life path" and "destiny" numbers they talk about, didn't at all match the 2 numbers that i've always associated as my *lucky numbers*. instead, those 2 numbers match my daughter. to me, thats interesting, the fact that numbers from a random birth name match her, is unique.

but i always look for the significance in circumstances. in conversation, you can bet i'm absently highlighting the reason for talking to this person. at this time. taking note of what was meant to be. why God put me in this situation.

after my last post, i decided to research my actual birth day. turns out mom was right. i was indeed born on a tuesday. which spiked my curiosity and i did abit of browsing....i knew i was a sagittarius. a cat (rabbit) in the chinese zodiac. my element is fire. i remember being dissapointed when years ago, i discovered that i was fire when i far more identified with earth. i suspect thats where the elemental *wood* balances....wood ~ associated with negative feelings of anger and depression, and positive of patience and altruism: the unselfish concern for the welfare of others; a selflessness.

i'm always fascinated by the characteristics those signs represent, that kind-of define me. i don't take any of it too seriously. but i find it somewhat interesting....

so. i'm whats known as a "mutable sagittarius". mutable, from the latin root, which means"change". flexible and adaptable. evolving thru learning, traveling and knowledge. Mutable signs have a restless nature that comes from being the breakdown before the breakthrough-- in preparation for the end of the season. the key word in my "life path" is freedom. instinctual. idealist. a forthright communicator. i don't like to be restricted. i struggle to feel real and solid. independent. apt to be multi-talented but suffer from lack of direction. discontent. indecisive. holds people up to high standards . generous nature. fun-loving. optimistic disposition. prone to appear overly spiritual or philosophical in coversation. overindulgent. enjoys all aspects of the arts. reserved, creates peaceful, comfortable environments. attention to small detail. and only when things are in order, can i relax. opting for safety over risk. passionate when inspired. likewise, inspiring. nourishing. nurturing. a warm radiance, a trust in life's journey and a willingness to take risks. relying on intuition. i am drawn to the east, planet jupiter. the colors brown and green. i am a primal spirit.

interesting enough, those are very real characteristics that i do have. and i am fiercely independent to a fault. the whole "breakdown before the breakthrough" bit was especially intrigueing. as was the "safety before, but willingness to take" risks, too.

on the negative, i'm often taken advantage of. taken for granted. i realize this. in past,this hasn't stopped me from caring. i am very much a nurturer. i take great pride in the knowledge that people are comforted by me. and yet i am resentful of all that that role encompasses. in moments of quiet escape, i look longingly at the lives placed in front of me, as if i'm on the outside, looking in. i feel that people depend on me. that somehow i am directly responsible in their well-being. this is represented no better than in the way many people refer to me. titles like "miss kitty" or "mama kat". growing up on a farm, i used to watch in amazement, mother hogs. all those wriggling, selfish, needy piglets, fighting over teats. sometimes she would be covered with their mass. there are times, when i empathize with her. this trait is even represented in my current job: as a caretaker for 2 adult mentally retarded women. sometimes, i feel overwhelmed by the needs people have of me.

in my entire life, aside from God, i think there have been only 3 that have appeared to know me. truly know me.

ironically, i thought of that while listening to the radio yesterday, on my way to pick up bella from school. the song by 3 doors down, the chorus "you love me, but you don't know who i am...so let me go" has great meaning to me at this point in my life.

that balance. that equality, is something i strive for, daily. that need to feel heard. understood. validated.to be A Part Of, tho i fight against that very thing with every fiber of my being.

i'm also, not all good. tho i am undeniably patient, i also have a dark temper, floating just under the surface, which is most often taken out on myself.

all of this has nothing to do with acutally delving into what i'm supposed to for therapy. which is why i logged on here in the first place. but i figure its a distraction at worst. at best, a start. a procrastinator always needs a logical explanation.

anyway. i knew i'd find it, if i hunted long enough. i'm not a pack rat, feeling the *urge to purge* seemingly every few months. what i do hang on to, are things in written form. books, notes, old emails.this particular email was written 4 years ago. march 12th, 2004. regarding a dream. a dream that matched a recurring dream i've had since childhood. and court shared this dream. for some reason, it was important i find this today. i kept it folded in my purse for over 2 years and would take it out from time to time, to read and re-read.which takes me right back to the "presence of a dark haired male and the significance of his connection with my life".

i think court is who that represents, tho we have no conventional kind of friendship, taking over 7 years to even put a voice with so many words. its been a saving grace, if you will. and i am grateful i've had that presence... that someone to talk to, about such deep life issues. i feel like, God meant that small, perhaps insignificant connection for a reason.

i could also argue thats one of my flaws....thinking, in and of itself. i'll admit i think entirely too much. that i live largely in my mind. i worry. i rationalize. i contemplate. its not a secret, i can keep myself up for hours on end, with all that thinking. but somehow, i feel as tho, maybe if i can just think enough, i might ultimately pull thru. i might discover, or redefine, who i am. where i'm going. i might recognize that woman in the mirror, after all this time.

i've not taken the time to do that until now. i've always felt the need to censor myself in some way, shape or form. but here, in this space, i don't feel judged and pushed in a corner. here, i cannot be misinterpreted. misrepresented. misunderstood. i can simply be.

and after all, isn't that one of the biggest obstacles in letting go?