if you come to a fork in the road, take it

ahh, the great yogi berra.

since starting to go prematurely grey, one of my greatest words of wisdom i like to impart upon my helpless minions is this: pick a direction and go. i am of the belief that there comes a time in our lives when we all come to that great indiana jones crossroads and step onto thin air, in faith, or get crushed by a huge metal ball.

i should also mention here, that i'm not so great at taking my own advice.

so its 3 in the morning and here we are. jason fell asleep on the couch, watching celebrity auction. i'm guessing that wasn't on when he slipped into dreamland, but i woke up to thesound of auctioneers shouting over eachother, trying to sell randy jacksons shoes. it made me smile, remembering my uncle rocky's sales, as a child.

i will probably edit this later, as there are some poignant verses i'd like to share. but its late,and my mind and i aren't so tight, in the wee hours of the morning.

at church, this sunday, the sermon was simple and straight-forward. mostly a recap of the last series. my favorite part was done by alf. he held up a guitar and played the only song he knew: jail break. everyone laughed as he acknowledged he's crap at being musically inclined....that he can hardly keep rhythm and sing at the same time. he talked about those amazing musicians that can actually make a guitar "sing". he proceeded to question, "if you were a guitar, crafted by the premiere master designer of the universe.....where would you rather be. hung on a wall in a museum, so people could walk by and marvel at your pristine appearance and All That Is You....or would you rather be kept in your case, so there are no scratches, no story or wearing with time...or would you rather fulfill your purpose, and be 'made to sing'....?"

there was a reading in particular, that hit home, and was beautiful in its simplicity. the jist of which was, "all that matters, is that i love. that i don't need to understand. i don't need to have the right words, or even the answer. i need only to give myself, as a resting point, a safe passage, for God to do the rest."

yesterday was killer. i was soooo tired when i finally got home. i'd worked all weekend and had so much to do yesterday. christy had been out and about and she came into the bedroom sobbing as she collapsed on the bed beside me, and i wrapped her in my arms. "i feel like i'm having seizures again", she cried. "i get lost in my thoughts and the words that try to come out.....and i don't even know where i am, anymore." i'd told her earlier in the week, to take all of this one thing at a time. that everything is a process.

its ironic, i find myself here. and i try to take each day as it comes. try to be quiet, and patient, and Let It Be. to leave my life, as i know it, at Gods feet. not try to make sense of it all, or even understand. and it is a balance that is unfamiliar yet intrigueing.

i find myself looking curiously forward to my therapy session this week......

and i wonder at why are there no answers, sometimes. or too many, others.

christy comes into my life unexpectedly. i liked her instantly, when we met by circumstance, both beginning a training session in a customer service job. even then, i could feel her hurt. and sometimes, i wonder if i'm the only one that notices those tiny inconsistencies. the only one that sees the elephant in the room..... i bided my time. and into our 6th week, we were assigned seats next to eachother. it was a friendship, fast and strong, from there on out.

i am so very blessed and grateful to have her a part of my life. and i also question, at times, why it is, that i'm here, in hers. there are those around me, that find it unsettling, my friendship with her. but i don't see what they see. and i don't think what they think. i only know she is my friend. and i love.

maybe i have a very liberalist view on God and Christianity. and i can't explain it, but even that, is ok. because its mine, and thats all spirituality can be to anyone.

i believe God is a jealous God. but more importantly, that he is all encompassing. when Jesus walked the earth, He walked the hard and narrow, winding road. surrounding Himself with the life and people that needed him most. and He LOVED. despite who they were, or what they did, or which side of the tracks they hailed from. He simply loved. His closest companions were people road-weary, that had traveled long. and He made their journey, beautiful.

i think we all have a part in that. in helping to make the journey beautiful. in ways that we never even fully understand.

it is thru christy, that i've been forced to face some of my own demons. dig thru the closet of my past. question my own, as well as society's views on Being Gay. it is because of christy, that i've been given the opportunity to talk about some pretty big questions with my very little daughter. it is because of christy, that i am consistently reminded of Gods grace and acceptance, in a world that offers so little, anymore.

why is it, that its so easy to persecute those that are different. why is it, that we're so unwilling to take that step outside our comfort zone to listen to eachothers stories. to validate our hurts and our hearts.

i grew up in a christian home. attended private christian schools up until high school. i was active in the church, i taught in the church. i sang in the church. i believed in the church. one of my earliest childhood memories, was of playing in the halls of the 700 club, CBN ministries, where my mom was a secretary to pat robertsons office. i remember tiptoeing outside the small chapel and watching ben kinchote face down on the floor, praying. accepting Jesus into my heart at the tender age of 4, was nationally televised from our church, The Open Door Chapel. therewas a time in my life when talking to God was like breathing, to me. i attended bible camps and crusades and missions and revivals. at 12, i accepted the holy spirit. at 14, i was offered a recording contract thru my church. i ate, drank and slept it. all of it.

and years later, i questioned how much of any of that was ever my own. my own faith, my own understanding. or was it simply, What I Had Been Taught. were my views my own or were they the views of my parents, my church. not even neccesarily Gods....

i am forever grateful for the solid basis i had, growing up. but i think it is because of that and because of the Life I Have Led, that i question. that i am sympathetic to the stories we tell. i don't question God, but i question our interpretation of Him.

for a very long while into my adulthood, God and i weren't so tight. weren't "rollin so mad deep", as they say. instead, i was disillusioned and disenchanted. i dabbled in a variety of different things that i mistakingly believed Made Me Happy. maybe they even did, for awhile. it would shock my family to know this about me, i believe. they would be dissapointed. after all, i was raised better. i *knew* better.

all these things don't define me. but they have helped to mold my character, imperfect as i am. it is because of my life experiences that i'm willing to walk a mile in someones shoes.to reach out where i know i wouldn't have, before. i see the beauty in quiet simplicity. in not listening, but hearing. not looking, but seeing. and thru my own imperfection, i am constantly blind-sided by grace. and the need to show that to others. to prove that it is actually there.

i am ocd and worry entirely too much, about what you think and what i think, and what God thinks about it all. i have been in an open relationship. i have lived in sin. i've drank too much, lived too hard and cried too often. i have explored sexually, far more than anyone ever needs to.

i talk too much because i'm passionate about the things i believe in and love. the things that i've come to understand and the things i'm still trying to. i know what it is, to be confused about who you are and where you're going. i know about loss and betrayal and Being Broken. i know how it feels to be at your Lowest Point. i know about love and its many complexities. i know about divorce and starting over. about broken marriages. broken trust. broken hearts. i know the pain of losing a child, and how challenging and rewarding it is to raise one. i know about depression and despair. about longing to be heard and understood. to be validated. i know about being raped. i know about forgiveness and forgiving.

i know about healing, and the long road there.

and i believe all of that, is a chapter, an excerpt, out of the story that is me. my tesitmony, if you will. you wanna talk about purpose.... i remember a moment in my life. i had come to the end of my rope as i knew it, at the time. i found myself sobbing to a complete stranger in a church and amazed that she didn't turn away from all the ugliness that was me. instead, she held me. and told me that when i was weak, God was strong. that He couldn't very well use perfect people to do what He needed. that He'd forgiven me before i'd even asked. and this? right here? was exactly where He'd needed me to be. that the stupid, stupid choices i'd made, were for a reason. even if that reason was so i could understand where other people were coming from. maybe, when noone else would. in essence, walking His walk.

i am the proverbial simon cowell to your Happy Little Corner. i, at times, may be entirely out of place, and not at all delicate. but i talk about the things you're afraid to. and in the words of bill engval, you aaaaaaare welcome.

because life is not always delicate. its not always the white picket fence and we don't always end up where we thought we'd be. but yeah..... we're right where we need to be, right now...

i got in some movies, this weekend, between doing All It Is That I Do, during the long hours of the work night. Premonition, No Reservations, Love Actually. all good. all reaffirming my faith in love. and in loving what you have. they also provided me some good comic relief:

"noone's ever going to want to shag you, if you're crying all the time." ....and this, my friends, is why i love emma thompson.

i also watched "no country for old men". i loved it. and i'll tell you why. one line. "when you waste all your time tryin' to get back whats been took from ya, more's went out the door."

true. so true.

the truth is, having christy here, has not been so easy. for a variety of different reasons. i want to be her resting place. a stopping off place for her heart and mind. i don't have all the answers. and i don't know what healing looks like for her. i can't help her find herself or come to terms with who she is or where she wants to be. but if simply loving her is the one thing i can do so God can take over.....that, i can do.