this too, shall pass

i feel blah tonite. the day started out well enough and has had its bright moments. but tonite i wish i could be held. have someone rub my back and run fingers thru my hair and sing me a lullabye. my stomach hurts....i think i'm festering the onset of a bladder infection and i don't know why. my feelings got bruised one time too many, today. my back hurts from long nights spent fighting for my space on the bed as well as covers. christy has been sleeping in bella's bed and for lack of creativity thus far, bella has been sleeping with us. when there's 2 of the 3 that like to sprawl out like porn stars, its not a comfy night. i miss being able to stretch out. at least the plus side to all this added commotion is that i've not had to endure listening to the neighbors. score.

i had the unexpected blessing of some extra money today, and actually got to go and buy some luxuries. things like shampoo and body wash and my favorite laundry detergent. that probably sounds silly to alot of people, but to me, its like christmas. when you live paycheck to paycheck, one small hiccup can send your world spiraling out of control and robbing peter to pay paul becomes a way of life. we risked everything for jason to take a job back in the late fall. a job that had awesome potential, along with the possibility for him to apprentice. but when winter set in, the work came to an almost abrupt halt, in what they termed their "slow season" and with that, our 2nd and much needed income. he went without a paycheck for 3 weeks. and that combined with an emergency oral surgery in february puts us right at a month behind in nearly everything. until today, its been months since i could actually fill my car up with gas. that made me immensely happy.

i hate money. i hate that it limits us. that to this day, it remains one of my biggest stress points and one of the largest obstacles in our relationship, as just such an overwhelming source of frustration and resentment. its such a struggle, trying to climb back up out of nothing.

its in those moments that i forget to be thankful. for what we do have. and i am grateful. i thank God for all the blessings we have. because despite all that we lack, we also have so much more than so many.

its just....sometimes, like tonite, i want to be able to cry. i feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders at times and i wonder who put it there...me? i feel like so much is expected of me...so many depend on me. and i feel spread really thin. out of energy. out of time.

is it selfish, sometimes, to just want to "sit this one out?"

so, to make me feel better, i'll take a moment to count my blessings. 'watched juno tonite. just as awesome as i'd suspected. i made a mean bbq and homemade slaw. i enjoyed the breeze tonite on my drive home. i found 2 new thrift shops and revisited an oldie but goodie. 'got some great buys, as well as some awesome material for all my crafty endeavors. and all for under $12. the one is only open mon/tuesdays and is $5 for anything you can stuff in an industrial sized trash bag. the 2nd is $1 per clothes item or again, $5 for a kitchen sized trash bag, and the 3rd is 50 cents an item. i found some really nice clothes for bella and christy, candace's girls and my nephews. and that always makes me happy.

it doesn't take much.