in the middle

i love coming here in the morning, to this little community of friends. to learn and laugh and cry and journey with you. the fact that i'm not nearly as learned or funny or eloquent as those i link to, doesn't deter me in the slightest. i figure i'm wicked marvelous in my own right. and i'm forever grateful for each and every one of you that share with me a window to your world, reminding me i'm not so all alone around here.

now then. while i'd love to regale you all with the story of why you should always, always change out of your nightgown before dropping your child off at school, i will, instead, sit on my red face, errr, bum, for the time being.

anyway. that seems more a bedtime story, so we'll save it for later, mm? meanwhile, i'm trying to decide what i think of these new supplements mom sent. i think i see the point. they give you heartburn from hades, along with that not-so-fresh pregnant feeling, thereby erasing any glimmer of any notion that you might be hungry. this could shave a few pounds by the reunion. it could happen. a girl can dream. etc...

i managed to get much accomplished yesterday....discovered i should qualify for my grants, which will be a godsend. i'll put in my application monday. i also spent a good bit of time enjoying conversation with my 2 picks for my midwifery immersion; one in nashville, the other in asheville, nc. i think if i keep my focus on my ultimate goal, this *stuff* in the middle, won't be so hard. won't seem so long. i loved a journal entry i read not so long ago by blossoming soul , celebrating being *in the middle*

'managed to get just about everything out and marked for the yard sale. jason helped with the hall closet last night and we had fun pulling out all our summer goodies. mostly, he labored over the boogie board and antagonized the cats with the fishing poles while i sorted. at any rate, i've got a nice little pile, succesfully stacked and purged, and can officially look forward to friday. weather permitting, i'm hoping for a good turnout. mama needs a day at the beach.

i also cleaned and organized bella's room. thoroughly. i do this periodically. mainly so i can find the lost underwear and where my tape measure has gone and to see if the frogs need more water. but i think i also do this because subconsciously, i am painfully aware that there will one day sneak upon us, adolescence, and with it, the incensed "mooooooooom. give me some privacy!!" and my days of decluttering will be over, replaced instead with peeks into a room filled with angst-ridden diaries and posters of hot young popstars with facial piercings.

don't think for a minute that her door will slam before i loudly point out that i haven't had privacy in 15 years. but still. while there's still groovy girl dolls and littlest petshops to collect, all is good.

after i've thrown out wrappers and tossed in laundry and sorted thru school papers and organized her bookshelf, i sometimes find myself randomly brushing a dolls' hair or looking in her *special* boxes under her bed. she has two, and it always makes me smile to go thru them: little bits of paper, rocks, a movie ticket, a shamrock necklace from st. patty's. sometimes the items make no sense. sometimes, i'm touched by what she's deemed "special".

and while i get alot of slack from people about going thru her school papers and deciding which to keep and which to toss, i do not, however, just toss out her special things.

we have this ritual, when her boxes become overstuffed. she finds a large branch outside and decides which items she wants to use to decorate her *blessing tree*. i like to imagine i'm imparting a time honored tradition in the delicate and freeing art of purging. i'm sure, for her,its just a fun way to spend 5 or 10 minutes. she picks a spot to "plant her tree" and then decorates it; when finished, we take a picture. generally, it stays up a day, and then, so the neighbors won't start talking about the crazy people that have adorned their yard with a lightbulb, christmas bow, neon yarn and what looks like anal beads, the tree is dismantled and the items lovingly thrown away.

some special items stand the test of time, and i'd like to think that one day, like me, she'll have narrowed it down to just one box. but that she'll enjoy, like me last night, peering into that box from time to time and smiling at the memories.

she had fun helping me make calzones for dinner, which were scrumptious, might i add. and at bedtime, jason joined us for her devotions and story.

when she was fast asleep, he and i lay talking....about our days....about life...how i need to shave my legs....our wild little child. i wondered aloud what she'd remember from this age. we joke, often, how she has the memory of an elephant. but i wonder if she gets that from me. although i do well to remember what i ate for breakfast nowadays, i can recall so much from my childhood. actually, as early as two.

i remember my mothers friend cb spencer who always reminded me of "websters" dad, George Papadopolis (Alex Karras). i remember tru and ethel. our pastor.the layout of our apartment and my kindercare. i remember my best friend rufus and taking him in the bathroom to wash his "dirty face". hanging upside down on the monkey bars and seeing an orange furry tarantula. i remember mount trashmore and kings dominion. i remember playing on the beach, running from the crabs. how my friends' skin turned mahogany in the sun. i remember playing in the halls of the 700 club and ben kinchlow's kind face. summers at the rothchilds, playing in the quonsets. how grandma washed my hair so rough, yet years later, i miss that. waking up at 3 in the morning to go fishing with grandpa garold.

and later, i remember my stepdads feed and trucking company. how john would let me ride on the dolly, sneak licks off the salt blocks and then slip me gum. how hale would let me sing him songs on the truck. i remember the little playhouse dad made me. calling the operator when i couldn't zip my pants. my first dog, charlie. the smell of lilacs on the side of our house. uncle keith chasing my pigtails. the steam from horses mouths on my cheek.

all of that and so much more....and we're barely up to the tender age of 5.

my childhood was far from perfect. while i was very blessed and proclaim much of my growing up years as a camelot of sorts, there were also moments of profound darkness that would shadow me years later.

but these things.....these happy things make me smile.

so tell me, what bright memories from your *middle life* bring a smile to your face today?