momday,momday

here's hoping all you moms out there had a lovely day celebrating with the miniature people that helped give you that title.



i had a wonderful mothers day. it maybe wasn't exactly what i'd anticipated, but i wasn't dissapointed. i was reminded more how the simple stuff is sometimes the best stuff....

i had this whole "ode to mom" blog on my mind.... instead, maybe i need to actually just finish that letter she asked for back at christmas. i guess i hope, one day, i'll be just as awesome in my childs' eyes. she always seems to know just when i need her most.

i have random things on my mind. also, i'm very tired. but good news: bella has officially graduated to chapter books in AR. toenails crossed that one day soon, i'll be catching her under the covers with a book and a flashlight. its been a long time coming, folks.

this may or may not have been my official last late night weekend @ work. thats exciting and kinda scary, too. the long hours of this morning were spent deep in thought. 'round about 3, at work, i start to zone out so i generally start to talk to God then ~ it seems a fitting time. i probably win the prize for all-over-the-place prayers. the funny thing is, i never really finish one. its kind of an on-going dennis miller monologue.

after thanking God for blessings, i ask forgiveness for not being as perfect as i like to think i am. and the rest goes something like this:

hey, God. its your favorite pal. so decided to take the day position at work. i asked that you'd tell me flat out yes or no. we all know how i don't like to be specific with these kinds of things. and after my devotion tuesday night, i felt like you probably couldn't have been more clear if you'd have flown a blimp overhead. but still i question: is this really what you want? i think i want it.....i'm excited but scared spitless at the changes that will take place. all those things that i continuously put off yet appreciate the fact that i'd have the time during the week to complete said tasks if i actually wanted to, will be no more.....

but how do other normal moms swing this kind of thing. what do you do when the school calls and your kid is sick and you can't immediately go to her. it makes me wish all the more that we had more of a connection in our church community. and then i wonder....will i be able to apply in time for my lpn? will i pass the pre-test? i don't know that i really want to do this at all. i don't know if i have what it takes, after all this time. i'd like to be passionate about it....i want to do what i want to do. everything is a process and i try to remind myself of that. yet, will i be able to survive 18 months worth of school? is this really what i want? its in these moments i get so tired of feeling like the one to sacrifice and come up with a back-up plan around here. wondering when i get my turn on the merry-go-round. its not that i'm complaining. i'll pull my part.... i always have. i just get tired sometimes. 'wish the lesson didn't always need to be so hard.

i need to register bella for summer schedule at the boys and girls club. i'd like another baby if we could fit that in the next 10 years. the inlaws are taking bella to the beach, the end of this month. i was so jealous when they asked if they could take bella. more so because i wanted to be the one to show my daughter the ocean for the first time. not that we have the extra money to plan that kind of trip. its just the point. yet again, another first that i've missed out on, ya know? i'm grateful for the opportunities bella's been blessed with, despite our shortcomings. and i know in the big scheme of things, there are worse things i could pine away about....but anyway. over the weekend they invited us along....all we'd need to cover is half the gas and our meals there. i'm dying to go, but financially i don't know if we can.....i'd love it if you could help out in that department.

also. would it be terribly bad to ask you for a $5000 loan to officially get out of debt? i know its huge. it seems like such a small number in the big scheme of things. seems almost reachable. but it feels virtually impossible. anyway, maybe things don't really work that way upstairs ~ is manna still the heavenly exchange? just in case, i'd like to claim that 5 grand if you could swing it. after so many losses...so many hits along this path, i just get really overwhelmed with the climbing back up sometimes. it'd be nice to have that clean slate. i get weary of this one thing being the prayer of my heart.

i don't want to talk to any of them, yet wonder how christy, candace and melissa are doing. i miss friendship and wish that we had good close friends. i miss bbq's and late night card games. making candy at the holidays. someone to shop with. a girlfriend that calls just to chat. i wish jason had a buddy...a good buddy.

i'd like to go camping this summer.

some days i wish that we hadn't moved back from nebraska. i don't miss the chaos and the fussing and fighting. but i miss my family. i miss my 6 month stint of being a stay at home mom. the red barn. walking bella to school. i miss corn fields and going back in time to a quieter, more simple life.

i wish i didn't screw up so much. i wish i was over the rape. and i wish forgetting was easier than forgiving. i wish i wasn't so tired. i wish we weren't the waterfall and money wasn't the thousand foot drop.

and why do we go thru a roll of toilet paper a day?

and then i watch marathon episodes of john and kate plus eight, and life doesn't feel nearly as complicated.