i'll fix the wagon fer ya, little lady

i'm convinced chihuahas have no brains. lets face it. they weigh less than an ounce to begin with and half of that is made up of their sexual organs and a tongue. there's no room for a brain. you can't even give them a good swat on their behind. its like trying to punish a flea.

ha! google searchers are gonna have fun with that one. my aplogies.

spoiler alert: whining ahead.

i feel a little defeated this morning. we got in at 2 am from helping the chihuaha's parents move. {incidentally, they're not allowed pets at their new place.} so at 11 am on a saturday, i'm holed up in my room, still in my pj's and my housework has come to a stalemate. jason is currently breaking the news to his dad that he dented his truck last night , due to a ridiculous corner at a storage unit and my husbands ridiculous stubborness. and my daughter is finally calming down in a warm bubble bath after a very early, very tearful bout with her ibd, while the stupid chihuahua bays at the baby gate.

i could be contacting our insurance company to find out information. i could be starting another load of laundry. at the very least, constructing some kind of muzzle out of dental floss.

instead, in effort to raise my *i suck* ratio, because it's so obviously teetering on the edge of oblivion as you know, i'm currently chugging spinach (dr.pepper) while munching on salmon with steamed carrots on a bed of brown rice (double chunk peanut butter cookies), as i'm effortlessly beginning mile 3 on the treadmill (avoiding taking out the stooooooopid dogs).

when you fall off the wagon, you may as well have a battle scar (or stretchmark) to back you up.

le sigh.

today sucks. totally sucks hardcore. its so great its fantastariffic craptabulous.

do you ever do this? you go back and forth and back and forth over some issue and then you finally take the plunge and make a "decision" and the second you do, your stomach drops to the floor and you have massive hemmoraging of whats left of your frazzled brain, while whats left of your curdled sanity wraps itself up in the fetal position and sucks its thumb?


yah. me too.


i get so frustrated some days. the other nite, i'm laying in bed discussing with jason the pros and cons of me going back to working weekends. why, you ask? why give up my beautiful day position with weekends off? like a normal type person? why?????

because i'm thinking ahead, thats why. and while i promise i'm not trying to do Gods job for him, i've kinda resigned myself to the fact that guess what, katherine, life is just gonna slap you upside the face with a big dead fish sometimes and you're just gonna have to take it. when i start school, i'm still gonna hafta work. thats the breaks, kids. there isn't a break. so the only shift i can humanly do, is the weekend shift. and in the meantime, i'm considering getting some of my clinicals out of the way and getting my cna. so i figure i should do this sooner than later, right?


i envy stay at home moms. i do. sometimes you make me want to cry. and please, please, pretty please just let me feel that way, today, ok? i know you work 10 x's harder than i could ever even dream of, and its not all martha stewart and key lime pie. its just that i always had ideas and dreams of what i'd be some day and a mom was right up there on that list.

but the mom thing came with all these magical little bonuses. silly things, like, i'd actually get to be around. and hey, i know she's only 8 and i'll always be her mom and my "love for her will surpass all of everything", blahbitty, blah. but dangit, i just wanted to be at home with her when she was little. and let me confide something in you. i don't think i'm ever gonna see that day. i got a little teensy eensy taste, once. but even that was pulled out from under me.

i don't mean to be a defeatest. this is just where its at, right now. today.


i'm tired of being dirt-poor. of being limited by a lack of money. of working my butt off just to keep our head above water and not even doing so great at that. its so gut-wrenchingly hard. you know my mom sent me some money a couple weeks ago? i opened the package when i got back to my car and i sat there and bawled like a baby when i opened her card. it was such a god-send. without it, i had no groceries in the house...none, zip, zero, zilch. no money for gas for the week. i could never thank her enough for those little surprises from home when i need it the most. and i sit here and think, hey, i hope some day i can do that for my daughter. but guess what, its not gonna happen without me making it so.

between loads last night, jennifer bemoaned the fact that money is tight for them. they have $1500 extra left over each month and they just have no idea where it all goes.

i don't even know what that looks like. i'm lucky to have $300 after bills, to split between gas, groceries and whatever else comes up.


i got so frustrated yesterday afternoon because the ice cream truck stopped on our street and bella came running out totally excited and i had to tell her "maybe next time, baby". and i know thats a completely stupid assanine thing to focus on. its not like the denial of a nutty buddy is gonna land her in therapy some day. but it bothers me.


jason calls me wednesday and tells me he's in a dilemma. friday is pay-day. i gave him $20 for gas on monday. on wednesday, he has $10 left and he still hasn't bought gas. he's under a quarter tank of gas he thinks, because he has a floating gas hand, but he's out of cigarettes. what to do. what to do.


and i'm sorry but i just lost it. because, hello???? woooow.


ya knooooow, ed keeps telling me in therapy that i need to be jason's champion. his cheerleader. that i have an important job to do, in boosting his self-confidence and worth. that he's come through a lot. i called my mom to mostly groan and moan on her shoulder the other day and she tells me the same thing....how important my job is, as a wife. they both point out scripture that backs it up.

yes. i know.


but i get mad sometimes. so i'm just gonna allow myself to feel that way today..... cuz who gets to be my cheerleader in this relationship? i'm not without fault. most certainly not a saint over here. but i don't consider myself a selfish person. i give. i do my part. i bust it out when i don't think i can. i pull my share.


i think i want to go back to school. but i think i feel pressured to, more. because, although i want to believe this man that i love so much is capable of helping me carry the load...he doesn't. and some days, i get tired of sitting around wondering when he's going to. when i allow myself to think openly, i wonder sometimes if maybe that's what he subconsciously wants anyway. he wants me to make up my mind and make that decision for us like i always do so he doesn't have to.


i know i'm in the middle of a huge pity party for myself. feel free to call 9-whine-whine and send me a waaaambulance. better yet, loan me an armadillo.

but today? some days its just not fair. its not fair at all. not fair that my husband doesn't have to juggle the bills and figure out child-care and change jobs and switch positions and go to school, just to make things work. to make a better life for us. to try to get somewhere. not fair that he's totally content working a crap job for crap pay for the rest of his life. not fair that he won't step up and carry some of the crap for me every once in awhile.

jason is a good man. but today he is not on my favorites list. and its entirely too easy to focus on the yucky stuff.


i've been stuck in this rut, the past 3 weeks, wondering what exactly my place is, right now. i've had this mantra stuck in my head: bigger, faster, stronger. go-go-go, and maybe all this stuff won't catch up to me. without even trying, i think my whole cleansing thing was just another attempt at running.

jason has been going to class to pursue his ged. he made this decision on his own, back in may. and twice a week, like clock-work, he'd go to class. work from 7 -5 and class from 5'ish -9 . i'm immensely proud of him for taking that step. i was well aware of the fact when we married and it mattered not to me. there are some things you just have to do on your own.

so i'm happy for him when he says he wants to jump that hurdle. find a better job. and i've tried to help. tried to step in, help him study. then he starts skipping class. he's "tired. he's not in the mood. he's busy", etc...his teacher has been trying to get him to take the pre-test for 2 months. he won't do it. he's "not ready". and the nurturer in me wants to pet him and say i understand and i'm here for him and take his time and do it when he's ready, and the wife in me, the wife that's incredibly stressed out with life right now, wants to say "cut the crap."

i've wondered lately, do i just back off and love him and let him do? or do i go ahead and work on me and where i'm supposed to be and try to ignore the fact that by doing so, it makes that great divide just a little greater. that it makes that resentment just a little more intense. because, sure, there's pride of accomplishment and that much more self confidence for every notch you climb up. but when you look down and that person is still hanging off your belt and not even trying to grab a foot-hold....where does that leave you?

it leaves me feeling completely abandoned. like i have many times in our marriage. but yet there's this hope i stuff deep down, that maybe, just maybe, God will lessen those other parts in the process.


ya know, i sat at work thursday morning, praying. one of the girls had left their devotion bible so i picked it up and thumbed thru it....read a few entries. a few entries that all, amazingly, seemed to point me the same direction, and i thanked God that he'd made the decision for me this time. i needed that. i've asked God specifically to let me know which path i'm supposed to take right now on this road. so when my boss showed up unexpectedly, i sat down with her and had a "heart to heart". which went surprisingly well. and then i had a massive panic attack once i realized what i'd done.


then jason calls and i freak out on him. and he just sits there. like he always does. and says, "well...i hate that, honey. i'm sorry, honey".


but today "sorry" doesn't feel good enough. and i sure don't feel like a honey. i'm sorry too. i'm sorry that i have to switch my entire life around so i can once again take care of us. so i can fix it and make it work.

there's ups and downs to every situation. every decision you make. and without some chutzpah and a little old fashioned juggling and struggling, you're not gonna get anywhere. i just wish i could look at this from a different perspective instead of as such a mind-numbing sacrifice. i know that things such as my faith and money and security issues are all part of some really heavy-duty pop quizzes God's throwing my way, right now. but so far, i'm averaging a pretty fair D-

i'm struggling right now, with focusing on the positive. i know better than to compare myself. but still, i see moms like sarah palin. 5 kids, an activist, in politics, and i think "how".

i work all day with a mentally retarded woman. i cook and clean and do, then i come home and do it all over again and by the end of the day, my energy just bottoms out and i feel like i'm falling behind as a wife and mom. i know it probably sounds very ugly, but there are days when i truly just feel like a glorified butt wiper. when their needs just completely overwhelm me.

i never got into that show "desperate housewives" but it was on the other day and in the episode, felicity huffmans character *lynette* starts taking her kids ADD meds to "keep up". to help boost her energy to make costumes for the school play and plan a spur-of-the-moment dinner party for her husbands colleagues and take care of 4 boys and keep her house clean. and then she has a huge break-down and cries to her friends, wondering why moms don't talk about that stuff. the stuff that makes you feel completely inadequate as a mom. about how hard it is, some days.

eh. this is where i'm at right now. and i know i'll get over it, and that even right now, God's seeing me through it. i guess some days, you just hafta roll down your stockings and granny crawl it. so with whats left of the weekend...the last one i'll have off for i don't know how long, i think i just need to breathe and let go of the other stuff and just be. maybe some rest will do me good. things are changing in my life. things that need to change, but are scary, all the same.

good thoughts, yah?