wherein i shamelessly link and admit i'm nothing if not glaringly imperfect

if being humbled were an olympic sport? i'd be rockin' your socks off in the gold medal department right about now. rockin' in a far out kind of way, my friends.

there was this awesome paraphrase from church that i've carried around with me today...something to the extent of : all those mistakes you still make? those spectacular mess ups? God overwhelmingly accepts and forgives with nothing more than love.

i find that insanely encouraging, cuz lately, i haven't done so great on the *lows*.

this post, ode to life, from one of my favoritest bloggers, made me cry today. she's so incredibly strong. and every one of our lives could benefit from a little one-on-one time like that.

Godtube is my new *go to* site this week. sanctus reals'"whatever you're doing" in particular:

It's time for healing
time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong

There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, yet somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...To...

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly

so, its no secret i've not been doing so great on my self-evaluating, persevering and healing tactics around these parts, lately. no, its more like projectile vomiting, with me. and thats never pretty. instead, i've been rolling around in a nasty little thing i like to call depression. complete with fancy little bonuses, like some real happenin' hopelessness.

and ohhh how i've wallowed...

this week in particular, took the cake. it was killer, with double shifts since wednesday. the bottom completely fell out from under me, on my intent to maneuver slowly back to a weekend shift, when instead, my boss gave my position to someone else, in an effort to save her butt, and i've been left to fill in the cracks.

i've been bitter.

i worked 11 pm-9 am, wednesday night, and when i got home thursday morning, the power was out. all that garbage from the past few weeks that i've been stuffing in nooks and crannies started seeping out and i went into a panic because i quite literally thought it had been turned off.

everyone gets uncomfortable and starts shifting in their ergonomic chairs when people broach the subject of money. everyone has their own issues with it. everyone has their own version of poverty. everyone has the same guilt mechanism in the back of their brain, sputtering about how lots of people have it worse off. its like being stuck at the red light on the off-ramp with the guy & his cardboard sign declaring "will work for food. God bless". we avert our gaze...fumble around in our purse...anything to take away from the awkwardness of the situation. but money is tight. for alot of people. and my panic over the possibility of the power being cut off is simply the state of our finances, due to circumstances completely beyond my control. so i took a deep breath, thought out my options and chose to first dig out the state quarter book we started the year bella was born, and drive to the nearest gas station to put in an automated call to the bank, after a short dilemma over which 2 quarters would be easiest to replace.

talk about reaching your all time lows. much to my relief, the electric payment had gone thru, meaning the power loss was just a temporary glitch and not the fact that we were overdrawn at the bank and they wouldn't honor my check. i heaved a sigh of relief and a thankful prayer on the drive back home. and when i sat back down on our bed, i took another deep breath, and i chuckled, reaching for my bible. and i sat there, reading, for the next hour and a half til the lights came back on, so i could sleep with the assurance that the alarm clock would wake me up in 3 hours to go back to work.

over the past few years, my spirits' taken a beating. and a week ago, i sat as broken as i've ever been, crying my eyes out, feeling absolutely destitute and desperate in my situation, in my marriage, as a mom.

a few days ago, had found me in the exact same spot. i'd shot off a crazed email to a friend, bawling and projecting on her shoulder...i'd attempted to call my mom and my sister. all were busy.... my husband was having a difficult time being present for me, and lord knows i wasn't doing such a great job myself. i was a hot mess.

also, my skin was and is itching off, due, i'm almost positive, to my rockin' great idea of adding yogurt to my daily health regimen. go me.

to say i'm exhausted would only be scratching the surface. physically, i've been at my limit. long hours at work, very little sleep. and mentally, well....nonexistent? i've clawed my way thru a really horrid depression over the last month. every time i go thru one of these spells, it feels comparable to the scene out of "the neverending story", where the character atreyu is off to fight "the nothing" and tries to trudge thru the "swamp of sadness". am i going to be his horse, artax, who succumbs to the sadness or will i be atreyu, at the last minute rescued by falcor. allowing myself to feel just utterly abandoned....my hopes and dreams dashed, succumbing to the fear of having to go it alone, and dreading everything in front of me. some days, i think i only managed to function on auto-pilot.

'never really occured to me i might want to let God in on any of it.

i sat there at work wednesday night soooo tired. i'd just finished an 18 hour shift, and had to stay awake all night yet again. jason had called and i'd had it out with him on the phone. he hadn't been on my favorites list anyway, for the last little while. i was angry and defensive and felt wounded, as i lay on ebb and flows couch with "sunset tan" on mute, staring at the ceiling.

i've been hovering around the prodigal jon's site lately. in particular, i've loved this post . he's got some great one liners. things like "God doesn't waste anything." or, (paraphrasing) "He doesn't neccesarily mind when we wrestle against Him. cuz you have to at least be present to wrestle with Him. you have to be there." this jon dude's brought some much needed encouragement into my life without even knowing it. way to throw a *bottle in that ocean*.

but wednesday night, i thought of something he'd said to his hair stylist not long ago:

"When she was done, I told her the best marriage truth I had ever heard:
The one thing men want above all is to know that they are enough. That their masculinity, their power, their value, their strength is enough for their wife.

The one thing women want above all is to know that they are not too much. That they can be as big and as beautiful and as powerful as God made them without overshadowing a man who is too fragile or insecure"

interesting stuff....

and i did something that night. something that has been painfully difficult for me to do, in the past 3 years. i prayed.

sure. i pray all the time. and yah, i feel like i mean it when i do. at church, at get-togethers, when its appropriate and/or required. when people ask me to. when i'm doing devotions with my daughter. after all, i'm a christian, right? thats supposed to be our whole claim to fame, no? to be tight with the G-man.

but me? just talk? to God?

a few sundays ago, the 3rd grade class in church had an open house, where parents could join the kids for their service. after the praise and worship, before the small groups split up, the childrens minister did a little skit, asking for 2 volunteers. she gave them a box of leggos and told them she'd like them to build what she was thinking of and they could start riiiiight now. of course the parents all chuckled, knowingly, *getting* her point, as the 2 boys stood for a moment, with a look of utter confusion on their faces because of course, she hadn't told them what she was thinking of. but the joke was on her. and us. because after that single moment of confusion, and without so much as even a panic stricken glance at the moms and dads, they looked at eachother, kind of shrugging their shoulders, then dove into the bucket with much fervor and decided to wing that puppy. they never said a word, just sat there adding on to their little contraption, one piece after another, while the surprised pastor had to do a quick re-write of her material.

its funny how that simple change spoke volumes tho. sometimes we have no idea where we're going. and we sure as heck don't understand the why or the how. but how many of us, faced with that ominous direction, are that willing to dive in and say, "ok, God. lets do this."

i identify with the story of the prodigal son because i have been that son, time and time again. i run in my own strength, refusing to borrow any from God. and every time i fail miserably at that proverbial wrestling match? i wonder if God isn't getting reallllllly tired of me.

i gotta share this blog entry from the afore mentioned prodigals, discussing the book of exodus:

Isn't it interesting that the first thing God wanted His people to do was go into the desert to hold a festival for Him? I mean the desert isn't typically known as the best place to hold a festival. It's hot. It's desperately barren. It's the kind of place where people die if they get lost. So why did God want to hold a festival there? I think it's because there aren't any distractions in the desert. It's quiet. It's empty. It's the kind of place where you can be still enough to actually hear God. Sometimes, in our own lives, we find ourselves in the same place. We're alone and empty feeling and desperate. We're in the desert. And it's tempting to run. To see the desert as a bad place. As a place to flee from as fast as we can.But maybe God wants us there for a reason. Maybe we're exactly where we need to be. Maybe God brought us there for a festival

over the past few years, i have realllly struggled in an up-hill battle with the loss of self and my ability to be present. and you betcha, i'm validated in that sadness and loss and pain. the journey has been unkind. matter of fact, its been cruel and relentless at times. but if i insert myself into that desert reference, i see that i sure as heck haven't been appreciating the blessings along the way. i've not been looking at my broken self with grace, compassion or forgiveness. let alone, unfailing, unending,unconditional love. no hangin' up streamers or whipping up a potato salad for a festival, if ya know what i mean.

and every time i've felt myself close to caving in and actually talking to God, i've been slapped so hard with a bout of humbling that i can't see straight.

this week was really not so different. and the truth is, i still don't have the answers in front of me. the situation with my job still sucks. its unfair. i'm still concerned with the changes ahead of me. i'm scared to be 30 something & heading back to school. my marriage is still bruised and conflicted. i'm still worn out. but what i did receive from talking to God that wednesday night, was a breather.

the sermon on the mount talks about not worrying whether you're being treated justly or not. never looking for justice but never ceasing to give it.

it speaks of drawing on the grace of God NOW. realizing the grace you had yesterday will not be sufficient for today.

and the importance of having nothing. never holding anything in reserve. pouring yourself out, giving the best that you have and always being *poor*. never being diplomatic or careful with the treasure God gives you, yet possessing all things, which is poverty triumphant. 2 cor. 6:10

i read this blessing on the weary pilgrims site the other day:

May you be blessed, as you show your weaknesses and accept God's Grace.May others see that you are fragile, that they might join in your fragility.May our broken edges fit together to become one body.As Christ kept the holes in his hands and feet having rose from the dead,may we keep our wounds even after we have healed..May you become broken in order to become whole.May you become whole by knowing you are broken. May you remember your wounds and embrace your hurt.May you go into the places that scare you.May you deal with anger and with sadness And may God be with you all the way.

as i mentioned, its been a rough week. i discovered 2nd hand, that candace is pregnant with their 4th child. i wonder to myself how she could bring another life into this world by the same man that raped her best friend.

me.

i wondered how she could be at peace in her life. then i had a dream about her that night. in it, she came to me, haggard and worn. but instead of asking my forgiveness, she wanted to know why i had abandoned her. and i had no good answer. i wanted to say "but, but, but." and "you did this, and this, and this". but i couldn't bring myself to.

i don't push my spiritual beliefs on people. not because i'm shy or embaressed or don't want to be bothered with it, but because i don't think that's what God is about. everything i read about Jesus' time on earth tells me He was about simplicity. He was out to love people. He surrounded himself with the undesirables. people from the wrong side of the tracks. the kind of people that even you and i wouldn't hesitate to snub or unfairly judge, in our self-righteousness.

He loved people like me.

so no. i don't push myself on anyone. but i'm also not afraid to talk about my faith. and my lack of faith. or all about my spectacular mess-ups. i am passionate about what i believe in. and yet i'm honest in telling you that my faith walk is a 2 edged sword at times. i think alot of people and especially those holding the christian sign, subscribe to the guilt theory and i don't think thats how God intended for us to live. we make our choices. and we do have to take care of ourselves as we're leaning not on our own understanding, or we're never gonna be able to accept that love and grace from ourselves, from anyone else, let alone God.

i sat with a young coworker one afternoon last week. she's become a sweet friend, and newly married, is filled with so many of the questions we face. things like, "who is this person and what have i done". and i sat there and spoke from the hip and the gut. and afterwards, she hugged me tight and thanked me for "being a blessing in her life. for being frank and honest. for listening to her and not judging her." and for awhile afterwards, i felt like such a hypocrite because my own marriage is far from solid. but as i thought on it, i found myself just thankful that God had had the presence of mind to speak through me. i'm glad i was able to encourage her. maybe i'd never have had the right words if i hadn't been there, myself.

hope asked me the other night why i wasn't fighting my manager on what is obviously the spectular mess-up that she alone is accountable for. in the space of a day, she'd handed my job away and put 2 others in jeopardy in the process. and i told her its because i'm not responsible for anyone but me. that i can fight it and become the thorn in her side, or i can do the right thing for my life. for my growth. my boss could care less about my personal struggles and journey. but i have to. and while this pushes me into an uncomfortable situation much faster than i'd ever anticipated, its where i'm at, right now.

even as i said this, i was amazed that that's how i really feel. and hope ~ my arch nemesis on sooo many different literal and figurative levels ~ told me in her lovely african accent, that i "have the most beautiful soul and that she knows this because it takes a real woman to admit she's not perfect. to show graciousness in the face of giants".

i thought about that on the drive home that night. i wondered how she could see beauty when i so often see only the broken and ugly inside of me. i thought about how far she and i have come in our working friendship, from where we started out. i thought of the humbling lessons she's caused me. i thought about my *giants*.

let me put it this way, on a secular level. i love the show "army wives". i hate to admit to finally being one of those *lifetime channel* kind of gals but this show snagged me. last nights' episode was particularly disturbing to me on a very personal level. kim delaney plays the character of "claudia joy", the wife of the posts' commanding general. they were in the middle of a treaty and welcomed into their home, a diplomat, there to sign much needed lease papers. she arrived home one afternoon and was attacked by said diplomat who attempted to rape her. at the last minute, she cracked a bottle over his head and escaped, but her sanity didn't go unscathed. her husband was furious, and even more so, when word came down that because this man had diplomatic immunity, the u.s. couldn't touch him. he'd get little more than a slap on the wrist, to avoid a *scene* and the pentagon ordered the general to be present for the signing of their agreement, despite the circumstances.

the next scene finds him struggling to go through with the ceremony. for the first time in his career, faced with something bigger than just a direct order. it was personal. but claudia joy walks in and hands him his suit, telling him that if they don't go, they give this man power over them.

what i perhaps bonded with the most, was when her husband arrived home after the attack. she's visibly shaken, yet trying to clean up the mess before her daughter arrives home. then later, breaks down with a friend, admitting to how filthy and weak she felt.

as women, we put so much energy into the surface stuff. image and appearances stand for far more than we ever bargained for, when this business of being human becomes complicated. we want to be perceived as the good wife. the great mom. we feel as tho everything we do is a direct representation of who we are, and our gooey fillings tend to get caked over with all those walls we build up to protect them.

i feel blessed to have this outlet in the world of blogdom. and to be surrounded by so many fearless women, strong and yet torn themselves, that stand together, willing to admit trials and joys and failures along the way. and i feel spectacularly blessed to be embraced as one of them.

i also feel blessed to amit right now that i'm really struggling. this is a dark path for me, without so much as a lightning bug along the way. but i'm grateful that you're here. i'm grateful that God's here. and i'm grateful that you listen.