on procrastinating

do you ever do this....have some enormoid decision looming over your head like the goodyear blimp, yet blithely ignore the huge shady area over your head in the name of "i'm too busy to deal with this"?

me too. i blame it on the time change.

jason spent the weekend building his loft in our long desired and highly anticipated storage building/workshop, finally delivered last week. bella landed a coveted part and solo in her MusicMakers class on Sunday. my sister wrote a beautiful piece of work.

me? i went thru the motions at work: bathing, cooking, cleaning for ebb and flow, all the while struggling with the age old question: why am i not content. i'm too old for this, this uncertain, angst-filled feeling.

and, why do the wires on our underwires always bust loose while we're on the job.

curse my boobs.

aaaaand, how do i help jason officially quit smoking.taxes have gone up $1.50 a pack. time to switch to beef jerky.

for all intents and purposes, my life is good. i mean, hello fuzzy, i've made it thru addictions, divorce, childbirth, bankruptcy. rape. i'm strong. built ford tough or some such thing. and my bras are currently 25% off. you know, if i needed a new one or anything.

so why am i so off-kilter. why do i feel so out in left field. and why am i so thin-skinned for all my bravado. i notice i'm no longer listed on an admired fellow bloggers site and my instant knee jerk reaction is, "oh no! they've kicked me off the cool kids table. what have i done wrong. its because i've posted so sporadically over the past several months, isn't it. i haven't kept up; i haven't commented. my writing lacks substance. quick! whats a topic!" i think i'm so tough, when really i'm just gooey-filled and desperately seeking approval and acceptance. that i still do this after all these years borders on exasperating, my friends.

what if this is as good as it gets.... not half bad, yah? so why do i consistently daydream about the future and what could or should be so much better than right here, right now. what should i be doing differently, where am i going to be at, a year from now.

the truth? i'm gonna come clean. i think i'm having a really hard time with my life being uncharacteristically normal, right now. i know.... how life altering, right? the thing is, i think the control freak in me is dying a slow, painful death, grasping at straws. and i feel sorry for her. rather than concentrate on the good in my current work, i focus on all the negative crap that goes along with it and i've become a serial job hunter. its true. i'll scan the want ads, apply, interview, and then,once hired, find some reason why that position would never work for me. i went to another interview this morning. similar work to what i do now. i was confident; self-assured. i aced the interview. they liked, nay, loved me. but will i take the job? probably not. instead, i will most likely delicately turn it down whilst i secretly covet the stay-at-home mom gig that has always eluded me and try not to be really, really mad at jason for not being some rich doctor/plumber/IT kind of guy.


i don't want to think about letting go. i don't want to make a decision about going back to school or how long i can last, keeping this kind of a work schedule. i don't want to have to face anything, right now because that would be facing something. and for all that not thinking, i'm doing a little too much thinking. my argument last night on the whole school decision?

moi: if i don't go back to school, how will we ever make it to places like hawaii. or seattle.

hubsand: well, there's always the stimulus package.

do you see what i have to live with around here?

anyway. i guess if you see me not thinking around these parts, give me a shout out and keep me in line, no?