the fuuuuun has ariiiiived

thats my most favorite cinematic moment out of disney's *tarzan* i like to think that terkoz & i share a striking resemblance.

my sister called last night and we caught up on the latest news in the midwest and the south, pausing to lament often about the eerily similar phases our kids are going thru, and how in the space of single, solitary moments, they can make you feel completely under-appreciated. her latest incident revolved around cooking dinner the other night. she'd asked my brother in law to help her with the fry bread. later, she overheard her 8 year old mention over the phone that, "yah...dad pretty much does all the cooking".

now if you knew my sister and knew anything of our background, coming from a solid line of awesome cooks, you'd know how much the both of us take great pride in our cooking abilities. (much to the confusion of mom, who i'm sure felt like we were just rolling up her recipe pages and smoking them when we were younger, for all her efforts in the kitchen. ) but that's one thing we inherited and are grateful for. we're both immensely happy to tie an apron on.

so mason's comment kind of deflated her balloon.

bella takes these opportunites often. last weekend when she spent the night at her nana's, she informed them that i never make her brush her teeth. i've let her off the hook twice. twice, mind you, on a friday night. her nightly groans and moans revolved around brushing her hair and teeth pretty much fall on deaf ears now. but because i'm a rad cool mom, i've let her choose on a couple occasions to do one or the other, cuz its *friday*. and all of a sudden i'm an oral delinquent.

lately, its revolved around her school lunches. i try to mix things up abit, instead of the same old sandwich and granola bar. but do i get a gold star for going the extra mile? no. instead, to date, i've sent her the following:

*a "rotting peach that was slimy inside and she got to scare the boys cuz she pretended to search for worms, and her best friend randi felt sorry for her that her mama sent her rotten fruit and then the lunch lady had to come over and make her throw it out."

*a portion of what i call a burrito bake, that "looked like throwup". to hear tell, i traumatized the whole of 3rd grade, with this one, as she proceeded to take it up a notch by making gagging sounds with every bite. again, with the lunch lady, who evidently smelled it and said it seemed fine to her.

* "ummmm, mama? hearts and stars cut-outs on sandwiches were kinda like, for second grade."

* a perfectly good banana, ok? it was fine and yellow when it left the house. however, it had evidently fermented in the 4 hours it sat in her bag, for it was "rotted, and slimed her entire lunch box and she smelled like banana mush for the whole entire rest of the whole day".

so in effort to remove my gross mom status before parents day, she helped me make peanut butter sushi rolls last night, courtesy of one of the most creative moms ever .

lets hope this scores me brownie points.

in better news, fall is officially here, kids. and i love it. i've spent my morning off, sorting thru the mountains of papers that i somehow always accumulate. i've also compiled a short list of things to be thankful for, in the process:

*although the reverse is out on my neon, at least the transmission hasn't dropped out from under me yet. and while i'm sure i give the postman a real thrill, every time i stop by and have to flintstone my way out of the parking lot, at least i have legs to do so.

*although i now house 2 of the most stupidest dogs ever, they're a great substitute for the garbage disposal i was supposed to have.

*as the weather gets cooler, so does the time come to pull out the pants and long sleeved sweaters. i did so, yesterday, and much to my delight, my fat jeans still fit. another seasonal crisis averted.

that is all.

wherein i shamelessly link and admit i'm nothing if not glaringly imperfect

if being humbled were an olympic sport? i'd be rockin' your socks off in the gold medal department right about now. rockin' in a far out kind of way, my friends.

there was this awesome paraphrase from church that i've carried around with me today...something to the extent of : all those mistakes you still make? those spectacular mess ups? God overwhelmingly accepts and forgives with nothing more than love.

i find that insanely encouraging, cuz lately, i haven't done so great on the *lows*.

this post, ode to life, from one of my favoritest bloggers, made me cry today. she's so incredibly strong. and every one of our lives could benefit from a little one-on-one time like that.

Godtube is my new *go to* site this week. sanctus reals'"whatever you're doing" in particular:

It's time for healing
time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong

There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, yet somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...To...

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly

so, its no secret i've not been doing so great on my self-evaluating, persevering and healing tactics around these parts, lately. no, its more like projectile vomiting, with me. and thats never pretty. instead, i've been rolling around in a nasty little thing i like to call depression. complete with fancy little bonuses, like some real happenin' hopelessness.

and ohhh how i've wallowed...

this week in particular, took the cake. it was killer, with double shifts since wednesday. the bottom completely fell out from under me, on my intent to maneuver slowly back to a weekend shift, when instead, my boss gave my position to someone else, in an effort to save her butt, and i've been left to fill in the cracks.

i've been bitter.

i worked 11 pm-9 am, wednesday night, and when i got home thursday morning, the power was out. all that garbage from the past few weeks that i've been stuffing in nooks and crannies started seeping out and i went into a panic because i quite literally thought it had been turned off.

everyone gets uncomfortable and starts shifting in their ergonomic chairs when people broach the subject of money. everyone has their own issues with it. everyone has their own version of poverty. everyone has the same guilt mechanism in the back of their brain, sputtering about how lots of people have it worse off. its like being stuck at the red light on the off-ramp with the guy & his cardboard sign declaring "will work for food. God bless". we avert our gaze...fumble around in our purse...anything to take away from the awkwardness of the situation. but money is tight. for alot of people. and my panic over the possibility of the power being cut off is simply the state of our finances, due to circumstances completely beyond my control. so i took a deep breath, thought out my options and chose to first dig out the state quarter book we started the year bella was born, and drive to the nearest gas station to put in an automated call to the bank, after a short dilemma over which 2 quarters would be easiest to replace.

talk about reaching your all time lows. much to my relief, the electric payment had gone thru, meaning the power loss was just a temporary glitch and not the fact that we were overdrawn at the bank and they wouldn't honor my check. i heaved a sigh of relief and a thankful prayer on the drive back home. and when i sat back down on our bed, i took another deep breath, and i chuckled, reaching for my bible. and i sat there, reading, for the next hour and a half til the lights came back on, so i could sleep with the assurance that the alarm clock would wake me up in 3 hours to go back to work.

over the past few years, my spirits' taken a beating. and a week ago, i sat as broken as i've ever been, crying my eyes out, feeling absolutely destitute and desperate in my situation, in my marriage, as a mom.

a few days ago, had found me in the exact same spot. i'd shot off a crazed email to a friend, bawling and projecting on her shoulder...i'd attempted to call my mom and my sister. all were busy.... my husband was having a difficult time being present for me, and lord knows i wasn't doing such a great job myself. i was a hot mess.

also, my skin was and is itching off, due, i'm almost positive, to my rockin' great idea of adding yogurt to my daily health regimen. go me.

to say i'm exhausted would only be scratching the surface. physically, i've been at my limit. long hours at work, very little sleep. and mentally, well....nonexistent? i've clawed my way thru a really horrid depression over the last month. every time i go thru one of these spells, it feels comparable to the scene out of "the neverending story", where the character atreyu is off to fight "the nothing" and tries to trudge thru the "swamp of sadness". am i going to be his horse, artax, who succumbs to the sadness or will i be atreyu, at the last minute rescued by falcor. allowing myself to feel just utterly abandoned....my hopes and dreams dashed, succumbing to the fear of having to go it alone, and dreading everything in front of me. some days, i think i only managed to function on auto-pilot.

'never really occured to me i might want to let God in on any of it.

i sat there at work wednesday night soooo tired. i'd just finished an 18 hour shift, and had to stay awake all night yet again. jason had called and i'd had it out with him on the phone. he hadn't been on my favorites list anyway, for the last little while. i was angry and defensive and felt wounded, as i lay on ebb and flows couch with "sunset tan" on mute, staring at the ceiling.

i've been hovering around the prodigal jon's site lately. in particular, i've loved this post . he's got some great one liners. things like "God doesn't waste anything." or, (paraphrasing) "He doesn't neccesarily mind when we wrestle against Him. cuz you have to at least be present to wrestle with Him. you have to be there." this jon dude's brought some much needed encouragement into my life without even knowing it. way to throw a *bottle in that ocean*.

but wednesday night, i thought of something he'd said to his hair stylist not long ago:

"When she was done, I told her the best marriage truth I had ever heard:
The one thing men want above all is to know that they are enough. That their masculinity, their power, their value, their strength is enough for their wife.

The one thing women want above all is to know that they are not too much. That they can be as big and as beautiful and as powerful as God made them without overshadowing a man who is too fragile or insecure"

interesting stuff....

and i did something that night. something that has been painfully difficult for me to do, in the past 3 years. i prayed.

sure. i pray all the time. and yah, i feel like i mean it when i do. at church, at get-togethers, when its appropriate and/or required. when people ask me to. when i'm doing devotions with my daughter. after all, i'm a christian, right? thats supposed to be our whole claim to fame, no? to be tight with the G-man.

but me? just talk? to God?

a few sundays ago, the 3rd grade class in church had an open house, where parents could join the kids for their service. after the praise and worship, before the small groups split up, the childrens minister did a little skit, asking for 2 volunteers. she gave them a box of leggos and told them she'd like them to build what she was thinking of and they could start riiiiight now. of course the parents all chuckled, knowingly, *getting* her point, as the 2 boys stood for a moment, with a look of utter confusion on their faces because of course, she hadn't told them what she was thinking of. but the joke was on her. and us. because after that single moment of confusion, and without so much as even a panic stricken glance at the moms and dads, they looked at eachother, kind of shrugging their shoulders, then dove into the bucket with much fervor and decided to wing that puppy. they never said a word, just sat there adding on to their little contraption, one piece after another, while the surprised pastor had to do a quick re-write of her material.

its funny how that simple change spoke volumes tho. sometimes we have no idea where we're going. and we sure as heck don't understand the why or the how. but how many of us, faced with that ominous direction, are that willing to dive in and say, "ok, God. lets do this."

i identify with the story of the prodigal son because i have been that son, time and time again. i run in my own strength, refusing to borrow any from God. and every time i fail miserably at that proverbial wrestling match? i wonder if God isn't getting reallllllly tired of me.

i gotta share this blog entry from the afore mentioned prodigals, discussing the book of exodus:

Isn't it interesting that the first thing God wanted His people to do was go into the desert to hold a festival for Him? I mean the desert isn't typically known as the best place to hold a festival. It's hot. It's desperately barren. It's the kind of place where people die if they get lost. So why did God want to hold a festival there? I think it's because there aren't any distractions in the desert. It's quiet. It's empty. It's the kind of place where you can be still enough to actually hear God. Sometimes, in our own lives, we find ourselves in the same place. We're alone and empty feeling and desperate. We're in the desert. And it's tempting to run. To see the desert as a bad place. As a place to flee from as fast as we can.But maybe God wants us there for a reason. Maybe we're exactly where we need to be. Maybe God brought us there for a festival

over the past few years, i have realllly struggled in an up-hill battle with the loss of self and my ability to be present. and you betcha, i'm validated in that sadness and loss and pain. the journey has been unkind. matter of fact, its been cruel and relentless at times. but if i insert myself into that desert reference, i see that i sure as heck haven't been appreciating the blessings along the way. i've not been looking at my broken self with grace, compassion or forgiveness. let alone, unfailing, unending,unconditional love. no hangin' up streamers or whipping up a potato salad for a festival, if ya know what i mean.

and every time i've felt myself close to caving in and actually talking to God, i've been slapped so hard with a bout of humbling that i can't see straight.

this week was really not so different. and the truth is, i still don't have the answers in front of me. the situation with my job still sucks. its unfair. i'm still concerned with the changes ahead of me. i'm scared to be 30 something & heading back to school. my marriage is still bruised and conflicted. i'm still worn out. but what i did receive from talking to God that wednesday night, was a breather.

the sermon on the mount talks about not worrying whether you're being treated justly or not. never looking for justice but never ceasing to give it.

it speaks of drawing on the grace of God NOW. realizing the grace you had yesterday will not be sufficient for today.

and the importance of having nothing. never holding anything in reserve. pouring yourself out, giving the best that you have and always being *poor*. never being diplomatic or careful with the treasure God gives you, yet possessing all things, which is poverty triumphant. 2 cor. 6:10

i read this blessing on the weary pilgrims site the other day:

May you be blessed, as you show your weaknesses and accept God's Grace.May others see that you are fragile, that they might join in your fragility.May our broken edges fit together to become one body.As Christ kept the holes in his hands and feet having rose from the dead,may we keep our wounds even after we have healed..May you become broken in order to become whole.May you become whole by knowing you are broken. May you remember your wounds and embrace your hurt.May you go into the places that scare you.May you deal with anger and with sadness And may God be with you all the way.

as i mentioned, its been a rough week. i discovered 2nd hand, that candace is pregnant with their 4th child. i wonder to myself how she could bring another life into this world by the same man that raped her best friend.

me.

i wondered how she could be at peace in her life. then i had a dream about her that night. in it, she came to me, haggard and worn. but instead of asking my forgiveness, she wanted to know why i had abandoned her. and i had no good answer. i wanted to say "but, but, but." and "you did this, and this, and this". but i couldn't bring myself to.

i don't push my spiritual beliefs on people. not because i'm shy or embaressed or don't want to be bothered with it, but because i don't think that's what God is about. everything i read about Jesus' time on earth tells me He was about simplicity. He was out to love people. He surrounded himself with the undesirables. people from the wrong side of the tracks. the kind of people that even you and i wouldn't hesitate to snub or unfairly judge, in our self-righteousness.

He loved people like me.

so no. i don't push myself on anyone. but i'm also not afraid to talk about my faith. and my lack of faith. or all about my spectacular mess-ups. i am passionate about what i believe in. and yet i'm honest in telling you that my faith walk is a 2 edged sword at times. i think alot of people and especially those holding the christian sign, subscribe to the guilt theory and i don't think thats how God intended for us to live. we make our choices. and we do have to take care of ourselves as we're leaning not on our own understanding, or we're never gonna be able to accept that love and grace from ourselves, from anyone else, let alone God.

i sat with a young coworker one afternoon last week. she's become a sweet friend, and newly married, is filled with so many of the questions we face. things like, "who is this person and what have i done". and i sat there and spoke from the hip and the gut. and afterwards, she hugged me tight and thanked me for "being a blessing in her life. for being frank and honest. for listening to her and not judging her." and for awhile afterwards, i felt like such a hypocrite because my own marriage is far from solid. but as i thought on it, i found myself just thankful that God had had the presence of mind to speak through me. i'm glad i was able to encourage her. maybe i'd never have had the right words if i hadn't been there, myself.

hope asked me the other night why i wasn't fighting my manager on what is obviously the spectular mess-up that she alone is accountable for. in the space of a day, she'd handed my job away and put 2 others in jeopardy in the process. and i told her its because i'm not responsible for anyone but me. that i can fight it and become the thorn in her side, or i can do the right thing for my life. for my growth. my boss could care less about my personal struggles and journey. but i have to. and while this pushes me into an uncomfortable situation much faster than i'd ever anticipated, its where i'm at, right now.

even as i said this, i was amazed that that's how i really feel. and hope ~ my arch nemesis on sooo many different literal and figurative levels ~ told me in her lovely african accent, that i "have the most beautiful soul and that she knows this because it takes a real woman to admit she's not perfect. to show graciousness in the face of giants".

i thought about that on the drive home that night. i wondered how she could see beauty when i so often see only the broken and ugly inside of me. i thought about how far she and i have come in our working friendship, from where we started out. i thought of the humbling lessons she's caused me. i thought about my *giants*.

let me put it this way, on a secular level. i love the show "army wives". i hate to admit to finally being one of those *lifetime channel* kind of gals but this show snagged me. last nights' episode was particularly disturbing to me on a very personal level. kim delaney plays the character of "claudia joy", the wife of the posts' commanding general. they were in the middle of a treaty and welcomed into their home, a diplomat, there to sign much needed lease papers. she arrived home one afternoon and was attacked by said diplomat who attempted to rape her. at the last minute, she cracked a bottle over his head and escaped, but her sanity didn't go unscathed. her husband was furious, and even more so, when word came down that because this man had diplomatic immunity, the u.s. couldn't touch him. he'd get little more than a slap on the wrist, to avoid a *scene* and the pentagon ordered the general to be present for the signing of their agreement, despite the circumstances.

the next scene finds him struggling to go through with the ceremony. for the first time in his career, faced with something bigger than just a direct order. it was personal. but claudia joy walks in and hands him his suit, telling him that if they don't go, they give this man power over them.

what i perhaps bonded with the most, was when her husband arrived home after the attack. she's visibly shaken, yet trying to clean up the mess before her daughter arrives home. then later, breaks down with a friend, admitting to how filthy and weak she felt.

as women, we put so much energy into the surface stuff. image and appearances stand for far more than we ever bargained for, when this business of being human becomes complicated. we want to be perceived as the good wife. the great mom. we feel as tho everything we do is a direct representation of who we are, and our gooey fillings tend to get caked over with all those walls we build up to protect them.

i feel blessed to have this outlet in the world of blogdom. and to be surrounded by so many fearless women, strong and yet torn themselves, that stand together, willing to admit trials and joys and failures along the way. and i feel spectacularly blessed to be embraced as one of them.

i also feel blessed to amit right now that i'm really struggling. this is a dark path for me, without so much as a lightning bug along the way. but i'm grateful that you're here. i'm grateful that God's here. and i'm grateful that you listen.

the presidential election presents

ok. time for a lighter post, in between steam-cleaning the carpet.

if pressed, i'd have to say i always leaned slightly more towards the republican side with a twist of liberal feminist thrown in for flavor. but i couldn't tell you why.

i've never understood politics. the very term, to me, takes away from the issues we're all sitting here faced with. which sure as heck isn't politics. its struggling to survive. and please, please tell me how mccain or obama either one, knows how the average blue collar family lives. i'd rather live on a mountain and grow my vegetable gardens and raise my youg'uns and trade my apple pie for a slab of steak at the co-op down the road, then fight this political battle. i've been slowly trying to educate myself on the finer points of obama vs. mccain, lately, and i've gotta say, despite our ground breaking efforts on this big election train, i don't care for either of 'em.

the only thing i give obama props for is his rhythm on ellen.

so i give the people an alternative. eat your hearts out, america. the diva's are coming to town.



she's faster than a speeding bullet.

she's got the energy of 10 marines and the memory of an elephant.

she'll put an end to needless suffering. such as homework.

lipgloss shall be free for everyone. no one left behind.

and she don't need no stinkin' secret service.

i'll fix the wagon fer ya, little lady

i'm convinced chihuahas have no brains. lets face it. they weigh less than an ounce to begin with and half of that is made up of their sexual organs and a tongue. there's no room for a brain. you can't even give them a good swat on their behind. its like trying to punish a flea.

ha! google searchers are gonna have fun with that one. my aplogies.

spoiler alert: whining ahead.

i feel a little defeated this morning. we got in at 2 am from helping the chihuaha's parents move. {incidentally, they're not allowed pets at their new place.} so at 11 am on a saturday, i'm holed up in my room, still in my pj's and my housework has come to a stalemate. jason is currently breaking the news to his dad that he dented his truck last night , due to a ridiculous corner at a storage unit and my husbands ridiculous stubborness. and my daughter is finally calming down in a warm bubble bath after a very early, very tearful bout with her ibd, while the stupid chihuahua bays at the baby gate.

i could be contacting our insurance company to find out information. i could be starting another load of laundry. at the very least, constructing some kind of muzzle out of dental floss.

instead, in effort to raise my *i suck* ratio, because it's so obviously teetering on the edge of oblivion as you know, i'm currently chugging spinach (dr.pepper) while munching on salmon with steamed carrots on a bed of brown rice (double chunk peanut butter cookies), as i'm effortlessly beginning mile 3 on the treadmill (avoiding taking out the stooooooopid dogs).

when you fall off the wagon, you may as well have a battle scar (or stretchmark) to back you up.

le sigh.

today sucks. totally sucks hardcore. its so great its fantastariffic craptabulous.

do you ever do this? you go back and forth and back and forth over some issue and then you finally take the plunge and make a "decision" and the second you do, your stomach drops to the floor and you have massive hemmoraging of whats left of your frazzled brain, while whats left of your curdled sanity wraps itself up in the fetal position and sucks its thumb?


yah. me too.


i get so frustrated some days. the other nite, i'm laying in bed discussing with jason the pros and cons of me going back to working weekends. why, you ask? why give up my beautiful day position with weekends off? like a normal type person? why?????

because i'm thinking ahead, thats why. and while i promise i'm not trying to do Gods job for him, i've kinda resigned myself to the fact that guess what, katherine, life is just gonna slap you upside the face with a big dead fish sometimes and you're just gonna have to take it. when i start school, i'm still gonna hafta work. thats the breaks, kids. there isn't a break. so the only shift i can humanly do, is the weekend shift. and in the meantime, i'm considering getting some of my clinicals out of the way and getting my cna. so i figure i should do this sooner than later, right?


i envy stay at home moms. i do. sometimes you make me want to cry. and please, please, pretty please just let me feel that way, today, ok? i know you work 10 x's harder than i could ever even dream of, and its not all martha stewart and key lime pie. its just that i always had ideas and dreams of what i'd be some day and a mom was right up there on that list.

but the mom thing came with all these magical little bonuses. silly things, like, i'd actually get to be around. and hey, i know she's only 8 and i'll always be her mom and my "love for her will surpass all of everything", blahbitty, blah. but dangit, i just wanted to be at home with her when she was little. and let me confide something in you. i don't think i'm ever gonna see that day. i got a little teensy eensy taste, once. but even that was pulled out from under me.

i don't mean to be a defeatest. this is just where its at, right now. today.


i'm tired of being dirt-poor. of being limited by a lack of money. of working my butt off just to keep our head above water and not even doing so great at that. its so gut-wrenchingly hard. you know my mom sent me some money a couple weeks ago? i opened the package when i got back to my car and i sat there and bawled like a baby when i opened her card. it was such a god-send. without it, i had no groceries in the house...none, zip, zero, zilch. no money for gas for the week. i could never thank her enough for those little surprises from home when i need it the most. and i sit here and think, hey, i hope some day i can do that for my daughter. but guess what, its not gonna happen without me making it so.

between loads last night, jennifer bemoaned the fact that money is tight for them. they have $1500 extra left over each month and they just have no idea where it all goes.

i don't even know what that looks like. i'm lucky to have $300 after bills, to split between gas, groceries and whatever else comes up.


i got so frustrated yesterday afternoon because the ice cream truck stopped on our street and bella came running out totally excited and i had to tell her "maybe next time, baby". and i know thats a completely stupid assanine thing to focus on. its not like the denial of a nutty buddy is gonna land her in therapy some day. but it bothers me.


jason calls me wednesday and tells me he's in a dilemma. friday is pay-day. i gave him $20 for gas on monday. on wednesday, he has $10 left and he still hasn't bought gas. he's under a quarter tank of gas he thinks, because he has a floating gas hand, but he's out of cigarettes. what to do. what to do.


and i'm sorry but i just lost it. because, hello???? woooow.


ya knooooow, ed keeps telling me in therapy that i need to be jason's champion. his cheerleader. that i have an important job to do, in boosting his self-confidence and worth. that he's come through a lot. i called my mom to mostly groan and moan on her shoulder the other day and she tells me the same thing....how important my job is, as a wife. they both point out scripture that backs it up.

yes. i know.


but i get mad sometimes. so i'm just gonna allow myself to feel that way today..... cuz who gets to be my cheerleader in this relationship? i'm not without fault. most certainly not a saint over here. but i don't consider myself a selfish person. i give. i do my part. i bust it out when i don't think i can. i pull my share.


i think i want to go back to school. but i think i feel pressured to, more. because, although i want to believe this man that i love so much is capable of helping me carry the load...he doesn't. and some days, i get tired of sitting around wondering when he's going to. when i allow myself to think openly, i wonder sometimes if maybe that's what he subconsciously wants anyway. he wants me to make up my mind and make that decision for us like i always do so he doesn't have to.


i know i'm in the middle of a huge pity party for myself. feel free to call 9-whine-whine and send me a waaaambulance. better yet, loan me an armadillo.

but today? some days its just not fair. its not fair at all. not fair that my husband doesn't have to juggle the bills and figure out child-care and change jobs and switch positions and go to school, just to make things work. to make a better life for us. to try to get somewhere. not fair that he's totally content working a crap job for crap pay for the rest of his life. not fair that he won't step up and carry some of the crap for me every once in awhile.

jason is a good man. but today he is not on my favorites list. and its entirely too easy to focus on the yucky stuff.


i've been stuck in this rut, the past 3 weeks, wondering what exactly my place is, right now. i've had this mantra stuck in my head: bigger, faster, stronger. go-go-go, and maybe all this stuff won't catch up to me. without even trying, i think my whole cleansing thing was just another attempt at running.

jason has been going to class to pursue his ged. he made this decision on his own, back in may. and twice a week, like clock-work, he'd go to class. work from 7 -5 and class from 5'ish -9 . i'm immensely proud of him for taking that step. i was well aware of the fact when we married and it mattered not to me. there are some things you just have to do on your own.

so i'm happy for him when he says he wants to jump that hurdle. find a better job. and i've tried to help. tried to step in, help him study. then he starts skipping class. he's "tired. he's not in the mood. he's busy", etc...his teacher has been trying to get him to take the pre-test for 2 months. he won't do it. he's "not ready". and the nurturer in me wants to pet him and say i understand and i'm here for him and take his time and do it when he's ready, and the wife in me, the wife that's incredibly stressed out with life right now, wants to say "cut the crap."

i've wondered lately, do i just back off and love him and let him do? or do i go ahead and work on me and where i'm supposed to be and try to ignore the fact that by doing so, it makes that great divide just a little greater. that it makes that resentment just a little more intense. because, sure, there's pride of accomplishment and that much more self confidence for every notch you climb up. but when you look down and that person is still hanging off your belt and not even trying to grab a foot-hold....where does that leave you?

it leaves me feeling completely abandoned. like i have many times in our marriage. but yet there's this hope i stuff deep down, that maybe, just maybe, God will lessen those other parts in the process.


ya know, i sat at work thursday morning, praying. one of the girls had left their devotion bible so i picked it up and thumbed thru it....read a few entries. a few entries that all, amazingly, seemed to point me the same direction, and i thanked God that he'd made the decision for me this time. i needed that. i've asked God specifically to let me know which path i'm supposed to take right now on this road. so when my boss showed up unexpectedly, i sat down with her and had a "heart to heart". which went surprisingly well. and then i had a massive panic attack once i realized what i'd done.


then jason calls and i freak out on him. and he just sits there. like he always does. and says, "well...i hate that, honey. i'm sorry, honey".


but today "sorry" doesn't feel good enough. and i sure don't feel like a honey. i'm sorry too. i'm sorry that i have to switch my entire life around so i can once again take care of us. so i can fix it and make it work.

there's ups and downs to every situation. every decision you make. and without some chutzpah and a little old fashioned juggling and struggling, you're not gonna get anywhere. i just wish i could look at this from a different perspective instead of as such a mind-numbing sacrifice. i know that things such as my faith and money and security issues are all part of some really heavy-duty pop quizzes God's throwing my way, right now. but so far, i'm averaging a pretty fair D-

i'm struggling right now, with focusing on the positive. i know better than to compare myself. but still, i see moms like sarah palin. 5 kids, an activist, in politics, and i think "how".

i work all day with a mentally retarded woman. i cook and clean and do, then i come home and do it all over again and by the end of the day, my energy just bottoms out and i feel like i'm falling behind as a wife and mom. i know it probably sounds very ugly, but there are days when i truly just feel like a glorified butt wiper. when their needs just completely overwhelm me.

i never got into that show "desperate housewives" but it was on the other day and in the episode, felicity huffmans character *lynette* starts taking her kids ADD meds to "keep up". to help boost her energy to make costumes for the school play and plan a spur-of-the-moment dinner party for her husbands colleagues and take care of 4 boys and keep her house clean. and then she has a huge break-down and cries to her friends, wondering why moms don't talk about that stuff. the stuff that makes you feel completely inadequate as a mom. about how hard it is, some days.

eh. this is where i'm at right now. and i know i'll get over it, and that even right now, God's seeing me through it. i guess some days, you just hafta roll down your stockings and granny crawl it. so with whats left of the weekend...the last one i'll have off for i don't know how long, i think i just need to breathe and let go of the other stuff and just be. maybe some rest will do me good. things are changing in my life. things that need to change, but are scary, all the same.

good thoughts, yah?

pride goeth before the fall

ok first. am i the only one concerned about this big bang experiment happening in switzerland tomorrow? don't make me crawl up on my soapbox and start in on why we need to leave certain things alone, and go back to the good ol days.

i love autumn. the fall. its my most favorite season, hands down. and so i find it a little irritating that my internal clock always seems to take the term so literally. what better time to fall, eh? when in rome...

so i've been doing this detox thing, for the past few weeks. hopping back on the vitamin train. laying off the lard. prying my cold dead fingers away from satans sacred nectar (i.e. soda).

you know.

breathing. moving. what the kids like to call *living* . i figure, i'm young. hip.

or rather, my hips aren't hurting yet.

at any rate, i've been feeling a little like this guy in the process:



completely out of my comfort zone.

( chihuahua credits go to chico, the 2lb bat.....err dog we're babysitting for friends )

you know that point you get to in life, where you start to realize you're not as young as you used to be?

yah well.

its a reaaaal party pooper that one. a real crusty durfwad, if ya dig me. when your *perky* bottoms out and your wobbly bits decide to jazzercize without you. when you find yourself muttering about noise and your creaking knees and getting your full 8 hours of sleep and your full 64 oz. of water and arguing the finer point of orthopedic shoes. when all of a sudden, you can't get enough fiber in your diet, and there's this magical thing the hipsters call bran.

so we're dog-sitting this chihuahua for the week, right. and all of a sudden, what i fondly refer to as my *exercise routine*, which consists largely of putting frank out on the lead while i juggle supper and homework at the same time, just didn't seem to quite have the pizzaz ......the shish-boom-bah!! factor i thought it should.

i find that i am, unfortunately, excellent at obscure excuses. my general reasoning behind my hesitance to walk frank daily is that he's better off, on the lead in the back yard, because he's not up to date on his shots and therefore at risk for any one of 10 million canine diseases. the reason he's not up to date on his shots is because i'm a wuss and can't talk the vet out of 59 different tests each time we go, hiking my $15 shot appointment up to $60 once he's had a finger stuck up his rear and been properly swabbed for bubonic plague, aids and premature balding.

also, i like to think i'm, i dunno, busy. with stuff.

so chico shows up for a visit and i'm all, "wait. i should try this new fangled thing the kids are calling *walking*". which has been a great thing, you should know. but not without its perils.

picture this. sicily. 1945.

sorry. i was channeling sophia, circa the golden girls.

so i'm standing outside earlier. bravely attempting to keep dog a's leash from getting tangled in dog b's leash. bella has "run in" to pee, which translates into "i'm gonna be at least 10 minutes while i look for lipgloss". i'm all super hyped up for this new nifty hobby of mine, not realizing that dog b has just cris-crossed with dog a and i'm about to bite the dust. just then, what could only be a ginormous pteradactyl poops on my boob and in one swift movement, i scream, which terrifies dog b, causing him to run between my legs and both dogs do a reverse clothesline on my ankle. as the earth shifts underneath me, i struggle to find my footing, in the process, slipping on a fresh pile of poo and fall flat on my back. while i lay sprawled out on the ground, struggling to remember my name, i feel God adding a little insult to injury in the form of large plopping drops from the sky.

welcome back, fall.

ahhhh, how we've missed ye.