my happy place today consisted of a healthy dose of mucinex-D & a glorious box of 150count kleenex, fortified with aloe vera lotion.
no. i don't think you understand.
the agony of the sinus infection. the effort its taken to work every 10 hour shift this week. the twinge of pain in handing over $21.47 for that precious box of *decongestant hope* and the labored steps it took to walk ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE STORE after the LONGEST SHIFT EVER to search out that precious, precious, comforting cardboard container of nasal softness.
i was only in the bathroom for a minute.
and the stupid, STUPID chihuahua ate my kleenex.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
the blahs
last week i was PHENOMENAL. i met my calories every day. i walked 5 days out of 7 for a total of 15 miles. i hit the exercise bike and my situp quota every nite i worked. i was on FIRE, mama.
but THIS is not that week....
my big strong husband who's NEVER sick, came down with an upper respiratory and sinus infection by sunday and missed 2 days of work. and because he's a giver, oh so graciously shared his crud with me. :( my nose feels like a bright red 10 pound beacon on the front of my face. and my sinuses....ohhhh my sssssinusssessss.
THIS week, i've gone over my calories every single day, which is especially disheartening, realizing that i've ONLY been able to maintain my calories in/out BECAUSE of the exercise i've been working so hard at. instead of water, all i've wanted is soda. and instead of good, healthy food, all i've craved is comfort food.
THIS week i've not exercised ONCE.
whereas i normally can't sleep during my work week, (example: last week i slept 3 hours between mon & fri) THIS week i've done nothing BUT sleep.
i can't breathe. even with all the XTRA sleep, i just can't get rested enough. and i feel like a big fat TOAD. destined to always BE that big fat toad. and not even a CUTE big fat toad.
to make matters worse, jason's truck for the 3rd time in as many weeks, is on the fritz and it would appear that my car is trying to do the same thing. all of a sudden, i'm totally submerged in deep dark oogly googly thoughts, and worry and doubt. where's the money gonna come from. will we EVER be in a place where these financial hiccups are not so scary. all of a sudden, i miss my family back in nebraska like WHOA. with a big family wedding this weekend that i yet again will be unable to attend, it hits right where it hurts.
so i'm having a hard time focusing on the positive this week. being thankful for my blessings. praising instead of complaining.
so Lord, i love You, even and especially when i don't show it like i should. please forgive me on the days my faith isn't even as big as a mustard seed. and when this too shall pass, help me to get back up again.
<3
but THIS is not that week....
my big strong husband who's NEVER sick, came down with an upper respiratory and sinus infection by sunday and missed 2 days of work. and because he's a giver, oh so graciously shared his crud with me. :( my nose feels like a bright red 10 pound beacon on the front of my face. and my sinuses....ohhhh my sssssinusssessss.
THIS week, i've gone over my calories every single day, which is especially disheartening, realizing that i've ONLY been able to maintain my calories in/out BECAUSE of the exercise i've been working so hard at. instead of water, all i've wanted is soda. and instead of good, healthy food, all i've craved is comfort food.
THIS week i've not exercised ONCE.
whereas i normally can't sleep during my work week, (example: last week i slept 3 hours between mon & fri) THIS week i've done nothing BUT sleep.
i can't breathe. even with all the XTRA sleep, i just can't get rested enough. and i feel like a big fat TOAD. destined to always BE that big fat toad. and not even a CUTE big fat toad.
to make matters worse, jason's truck for the 3rd time in as many weeks, is on the fritz and it would appear that my car is trying to do the same thing. all of a sudden, i'm totally submerged in deep dark oogly googly thoughts, and worry and doubt. where's the money gonna come from. will we EVER be in a place where these financial hiccups are not so scary. all of a sudden, i miss my family back in nebraska like WHOA. with a big family wedding this weekend that i yet again will be unable to attend, it hits right where it hurts.
so i'm having a hard time focusing on the positive this week. being thankful for my blessings. praising instead of complaining.
so Lord, i love You, even and especially when i don't show it like i should. please forgive me on the days my faith isn't even as big as a mustard seed. and when this too shall pass, help me to get back up again.
<3
Thursday, August 26, 2010
as an aside....
*why is facebook so addictive. and yet why must people insist on texting or messaging me instead of just call somebody.
*why have wendy's and/or subway not been receiving my psychic vibe to provide me with free fresh salads or sandwiches?
*who invented the pta. and why do they bombard me with cookie dough orders within the first month of school. While I'm Counting Calories.
*why must i love the bravo channel so much. Top Chef, Rachel Zoe, Flipping Out....i blame you.
*whose idea was it to create this thing called puberty. and is there a vaccine for it? more specifically, how much would it cost to skip it all together.....lets talk turkey.
*why won't someone just give me their old treadmill. or elliptical. i'm not picky
*why can i not sleep today
*oi
*why have wendy's and/or subway not been receiving my psychic vibe to provide me with free fresh salads or sandwiches?
*who invented the pta. and why do they bombard me with cookie dough orders within the first month of school. While I'm Counting Calories.
*why must i love the bravo channel so much. Top Chef, Rachel Zoe, Flipping Out....i blame you.
*whose idea was it to create this thing called puberty. and is there a vaccine for it? more specifically, how much would it cost to skip it all together.....lets talk turkey.
*why won't someone just give me their old treadmill. or elliptical. i'm not picky
*why can i not sleep today
*oi
Sunday, August 22, 2010
one day at a time
my devotion moment for the day, out of God Calling....
Trials and troubles may seem to overwhelm you. But they cannot do more than work My Will, and that Will you have said is your Will. Do you not see that you cannot be destroyed? From now a new Life is opening out before you. Yours to enter into the Kingdom I have prepared for you. The sunlight of My Presence is on your paths. Trust and go forward unafraid. My Grace is sufficient for all your needs.
In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me. Psalm 56:11
the terms *change* and *transition* are synonymous with this time of year. i think the atmosphere heaves its sigh of relief to the ending of hot temperatures and looks forward to cooler nights and crisp leaves and the sights and smells of the upcoming holidays sneaking around the corner. And peoples' inner workings do the same; i'm no different.
some days are just hard, aren't they. i wish, at times, that i could plug my headphones into this thought bank of mine that seems to be racing full-speed ahead without me.
its days like these when i have to remind myself to slow down and stay present. in my quiet time with God. with my husband and daughter. with myself and my own needs.
this last week, i was humbled on more than one occasion. jason & i disagreed on a bathroom floor project that spiraled out of hand when the both of us stood firm in our stubborness. i got angry over the weekend when he exhibited a behavior that took me back instantly to my marriage with lee. but rather than explain why it hurt me so much, i turned on my heel with a flippant remark, that left him angry & confused. the next day when i childishly misread something and confronted him with little to no tact, he became instantly defensive and i went in like a dog in a foxhole, teeth bared.
we silently agreed to disagree and when he left to pick bella up from a sleepover, i headed out to my favorite walking spot to vent and sweat out some frustration. and as i marched down the path, shouting in my head, i could slowly see God out of the corner of my eye, matching me step for step, smiling, waiting patiently for me to give Him a word in edgewise.
i think i do that a little too often. and i'm working on it.
in reality, it wasn't my husband that i was so upset with, but frustration with myself and some of the obstacles in my life right now that are out of my control. as i rested under a giant shady oak tree, i felt God gently reminding me that all He wants from me is me. one day at a time.
i've been trying so hard to lose this excess weight of mine. 60 pounds since i had bella. :( but what i'm discovering with every new day, is that alot of this heaviness doesn't even compare to the extra luggage i've stored away in corners of my heart. they don't really make a scale for that. so instead of feeling like such a failure, when i look in the mirror, i need to reaffirm the positive. each day that i dig in a little deeper. each day that i choose to move, is one step closer. and i need to allow myself to be proud of my accomplishments. i've lost 7 pounds since august 8th. and that may not be of *biggest loser* epic proportions. but its mine. and its ok to validate myself. i don't need to compare myself to any other pre-conceived notions. i just need to rely on the fact that God's right here with me. and because of that, i don't have to finish this race alone.
i've been struggling with my night schedule at work. i can't get used to it...i'm not getting the rest i need and my energy has been zapped. and as i've been looking for a *way out*, i find myself still here in this spot. and that can seem almost hopeless at times. but then i'm reminded to stay faithful in the small stuff. rather than focus on the negative aspects, appreciate the positives: there's an exercise bike in the staff room. i've slowly worked my way up to 10 minutes at a time. a whopping 3 miles. in my mind that seems painfully slow. but i have to remember that i crawled before i walked. and walked before i ran. and all that extra time also allows me to dig deeper in my spiritual walk too.
i've been frustrated with what i consider a serious lack of a decent girl friend in my life. i'm so blessed to have my mom & my sister just a phone call a way, yet its not the same. i've felt let down and discouraged with the women that are here and i've prayed that God would send a friend my way. but maybe i need to realize the beauty in going to Him first for all things, before He can answer that prayer....
i've been angry with jason because i've wanted him to take more initiative.....to pry the reigns from my hands when i get overwhelmed. to be romantic and plan a date nite once in a blue moon. but more importantly, i guess i wanted him to just know that without me ever saying a word. its funny how men don't work that way. :) turns out communication goes a long way.
so today as i walked that same walk; as my legs were moving, i asked for my mind to be still. to remember that i don't have to do this alone. to take it one day at a time.
Trials and troubles may seem to overwhelm you. But they cannot do more than work My Will, and that Will you have said is your Will. Do you not see that you cannot be destroyed? From now a new Life is opening out before you. Yours to enter into the Kingdom I have prepared for you. The sunlight of My Presence is on your paths. Trust and go forward unafraid. My Grace is sufficient for all your needs.
In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me. Psalm 56:11
the terms *change* and *transition* are synonymous with this time of year. i think the atmosphere heaves its sigh of relief to the ending of hot temperatures and looks forward to cooler nights and crisp leaves and the sights and smells of the upcoming holidays sneaking around the corner. And peoples' inner workings do the same; i'm no different.
some days are just hard, aren't they. i wish, at times, that i could plug my headphones into this thought bank of mine that seems to be racing full-speed ahead without me.
its days like these when i have to remind myself to slow down and stay present. in my quiet time with God. with my husband and daughter. with myself and my own needs.
this last week, i was humbled on more than one occasion. jason & i disagreed on a bathroom floor project that spiraled out of hand when the both of us stood firm in our stubborness. i got angry over the weekend when he exhibited a behavior that took me back instantly to my marriage with lee. but rather than explain why it hurt me so much, i turned on my heel with a flippant remark, that left him angry & confused. the next day when i childishly misread something and confronted him with little to no tact, he became instantly defensive and i went in like a dog in a foxhole, teeth bared.
we silently agreed to disagree and when he left to pick bella up from a sleepover, i headed out to my favorite walking spot to vent and sweat out some frustration. and as i marched down the path, shouting in my head, i could slowly see God out of the corner of my eye, matching me step for step, smiling, waiting patiently for me to give Him a word in edgewise.
i think i do that a little too often. and i'm working on it.
in reality, it wasn't my husband that i was so upset with, but frustration with myself and some of the obstacles in my life right now that are out of my control. as i rested under a giant shady oak tree, i felt God gently reminding me that all He wants from me is me. one day at a time.
i've been trying so hard to lose this excess weight of mine. 60 pounds since i had bella. :( but what i'm discovering with every new day, is that alot of this heaviness doesn't even compare to the extra luggage i've stored away in corners of my heart. they don't really make a scale for that. so instead of feeling like such a failure, when i look in the mirror, i need to reaffirm the positive. each day that i dig in a little deeper. each day that i choose to move, is one step closer. and i need to allow myself to be proud of my accomplishments. i've lost 7 pounds since august 8th. and that may not be of *biggest loser* epic proportions. but its mine. and its ok to validate myself. i don't need to compare myself to any other pre-conceived notions. i just need to rely on the fact that God's right here with me. and because of that, i don't have to finish this race alone.
i've been struggling with my night schedule at work. i can't get used to it...i'm not getting the rest i need and my energy has been zapped. and as i've been looking for a *way out*, i find myself still here in this spot. and that can seem almost hopeless at times. but then i'm reminded to stay faithful in the small stuff. rather than focus on the negative aspects, appreciate the positives: there's an exercise bike in the staff room. i've slowly worked my way up to 10 minutes at a time. a whopping 3 miles. in my mind that seems painfully slow. but i have to remember that i crawled before i walked. and walked before i ran. and all that extra time also allows me to dig deeper in my spiritual walk too.
i've been frustrated with what i consider a serious lack of a decent girl friend in my life. i'm so blessed to have my mom & my sister just a phone call a way, yet its not the same. i've felt let down and discouraged with the women that are here and i've prayed that God would send a friend my way. but maybe i need to realize the beauty in going to Him first for all things, before He can answer that prayer....
i've been angry with jason because i've wanted him to take more initiative.....to pry the reigns from my hands when i get overwhelmed. to be romantic and plan a date nite once in a blue moon. but more importantly, i guess i wanted him to just know that without me ever saying a word. its funny how men don't work that way. :) turns out communication goes a long way.
so today as i walked that same walk; as my legs were moving, i asked for my mind to be still. to remember that i don't have to do this alone. to take it one day at a time.
Monday, August 9, 2010
one...two...skip a few.
wow. random posts, much?
we spent this past weekend at the *vacation* home of some friends of some friends. in actuality we were just 10 minutes from home and watering the dog, but we pretended we were in bora bora and had picnics and went swimming and played board games and shot pool late into the evenings and dared anyone to spoil our fun with filthy talk about such things as *reality*.
and then we woke up this morning to monday and school and work and i determined to dust off a few things in my life that i've been neglecting. beginning here. maybe its because its august, which means fall is just around the bend...which means i've cycled into my *must DO things* mode. but mostly, its that i realized i've missed you all. i've missed reading. and i've missed writing.
'hard to put in a nutshell, the events of the last few months. we slowly dipped our toes back into a communication with k & candace. and i think for the first time, i'm ok with the ebbs and flows that that entails. i found a great new place to walk and i've been trying to get there as often as i can during the week for a good, solid 3 mile hike. jason took up an interest in fly fishing...i learned what this facebook thing was all about. in may/june, i went home for abit to join my sister & work on our parents house for a couple weeks. another time, i'd really like to touch on that subject but for now, i'll say that i was grateful for the time and the togetherness it granted. we never made the family reunion or took any big trips. we finally made it camping. i'm a new auntie for the 4th time.
i'm gonna catch up abit....and i'll be back around.
we spent this past weekend at the *vacation* home of some friends of some friends. in actuality we were just 10 minutes from home and watering the dog, but we pretended we were in bora bora and had picnics and went swimming and played board games and shot pool late into the evenings and dared anyone to spoil our fun with filthy talk about such things as *reality*.
and then we woke up this morning to monday and school and work and i determined to dust off a few things in my life that i've been neglecting. beginning here. maybe its because its august, which means fall is just around the bend...which means i've cycled into my *must DO things* mode. but mostly, its that i realized i've missed you all. i've missed reading. and i've missed writing.
'hard to put in a nutshell, the events of the last few months. we slowly dipped our toes back into a communication with k & candace. and i think for the first time, i'm ok with the ebbs and flows that that entails. i found a great new place to walk and i've been trying to get there as often as i can during the week for a good, solid 3 mile hike. jason took up an interest in fly fishing...i learned what this facebook thing was all about. in may/june, i went home for abit to join my sister & work on our parents house for a couple weeks. another time, i'd really like to touch on that subject but for now, i'll say that i was grateful for the time and the togetherness it granted. we never made the family reunion or took any big trips. we finally made it camping. i'm a new auntie for the 4th time.
i'm gonna catch up abit....and i'll be back around.
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