I thought it was illegal to have more than 1 kids party per week

I have 3. Count em. 3.

two of which i was just informed of this morning. One of which is tonite.

Also, while i'm at it? Am i the only one that remembers scholastic book orders from back in the day, where books were like $1. i just had an argument with the resident 9 year old in the house about an Eight Dollar Book. Am i really this old now? or am i just this dillusional.

I have clocked in just under 36 overtime hours so far this week. My phone AND car have been in the shop. Managed to make the "breakfast of champions" and assembly at bella's school this morning, pick up my paycheck and go 3 diff places to pay bills. I registered bella for AM educare, did 2 loads of laundry and now plan on a 2 hour nap, before shopping for 3 separate kids parties, ages 6, 3 and 2. 'Need to get my nephews' while i'm at it. And if i have one more mom tell me "oh just whatever" as a gift idea, i may just go off the deep end. Also, remind me i need to dig out the easter basket for an egg hunt on sunday.

If you see someone's sanity whistling down the road, flag it down, would ya? I miss that sucker.

when keepin' on makes sense

i read the greatest blog entry tonite. and especially loved these words by beth moore :

"God allows wounding in your life so that He can bring healing."

i found myself in the unique position of relaying a portion of my testimony last night, to someone that is hurting right now in their own life. and thru our parallel stories, as i relived the events of my past and heard my own words, i felt such an encompassing peace. and i thanked God for His perfect timing and strange, mysterious ways.

thursday rolled around this week, heavy on the busy side. i fielded work calls, cleaned house and voraciously steamed carpets.

i'd received a text message from candace that morning, asking if we were coming.

i'd been avoiding this confirmation, putting it off as long as i could, burying myself down deep in physical work. i paced the house, praying and thinking, scrubbing at imaginary spots on my floors. i texted jason and said i didn't know if i could do this. i didn't think i was strong enough. he asked if i wanted him to cover for me and say something like i was called into work....maybe another time would be better... or we didn't have to do this at all.....we could close this door....

i said no, whether we went or not, i had to be straight with her and come from a place of total honesty.

and so i did. i wrote that there was a very real part of me that wanted, no, needed to come. but there was the other side of me, still hurting and wounded, 3 years later, that was fearful. because i'd lost so much and hurt so badly. where had she been all this time. where were they when i begged and pleaded to get thru this together. seek counseling. and what were we hoping to gain from this meeting. because i couldn't go down this road again, without some sense of clarity.

my big brave indiana jones step of faith on to thin air, just wasn't gonna be enough this time.

i didn't hear back from her for quite awhile. my mind set about sarcastically imagining her reaction and bracing myself for a comeback.

i took a moment to read my devotion:

March 18 - Your Resolutions

Listen, I am your Lord. Before me there is none other. Just trust Me in everything. Help is here all the time.

The difficult way is nearly over, but you have learnt in it lessons you could learn in no other way. "The kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force." Wrest from Me, by firm and simple trust and persistent prayer, the treasures of My Kingdom.

Such wonderful things are coming to you, Joy - Peace - Assurance - Security - Health - Happiness - Laughter again.

Claim big, really big, things now. Remember, nothing is too big. Satisfy the longings of My Heart to give to you. Blessing, abundant blessing on you both now and always. Peace.

"Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show you great and
mighty things, which you knowest not." - Jeremiah 33:3

she texted back, asking if i'd be willing to talk to her on the phone.

and nearly an hour later, as we said our goodbye's, it was with a quiet, calm spirit.

we met with them that night. amidst the playful chatter and chaos of 5 little ones underfoot, we sat around their table, the 4 of us, and talked, late into the evening.

i have always felt, and believe still, that often our greatest testimony comes not from the closing of doors, but the choosing to walk thru them, and the journey therein. not for the faint of heart; at times, painstakingly slow. baby steps. maybe even a crawl.

but do i believe it worth it, every step? without a shadow of a doubt, yes.

what happened to me 3 years ago, shattered my existence as i knew it. and i've struggled daily, to regain my peace and hope and joy.

but i believe with all my heart, that God intended all of this for His good. this time 3 years ago, there were 4 people on an out-of-control roller coaster, in desperate need of some brakes. so God had to throw us from the tracks.

and we all landed hard.

but i'll tell you something. i can honestly say i don't know where i'd be today, had God not thrown us from the track and this not happened. i don't believe my marriage would have sustained, had this not happened. i don't believe the 4 of us could have sat together, thursday night and shared all of this, our story, our testimony, had this not happened. its so easy to walk away in this world, when you're wronged, in the name of closure. the hard part, is facing yourself and all the ugliness and hidden demons attached. and getting through it, to the other side.

so this is a step. and a work in progress. but i thank God so much for His perfect love and redemption and grace.

good things to come.

d to the rama

oi. don't you hate it when you inadvertently get caught up in some outside drama. i'm good for that. turns out i'm a veritable magnet for chaos around these parts, tho it might come as a shock to discover i'm usually the one holding the door wide open, arms outstretched to welcome 'em in.

but every now and then, i get the feeling that its coming from a place a little beyond my control.

there is a person in my life right now that, at times, just exhausts me. and because this relationship is also directly tied to my job, has gradually become a great source of stress in the shape of a friendship. for some reason, i've become a mother figure in their life. and while i'm happy i can be a sort of comfort for them, its also very draining, on me. there have been many times when i've had to put my life on hold, drop what i'm doing and be there for them. and i've not always managed to be grace under fire, if you know what i mean. i get frustrated and grouchy sometimes. when its my day off. when i'm trying to put bella to bed or spend time with jason, and i'm called away by something i deem insignificant or ridiculous. or i'll really put forth an effort ~ my whole heart into my words and actions, only to feel like it went in one ear and out the other.

i've spent 4 hours of my evening tonight, tied up in this ever unfolding drama, tho i managed to cook a meal, get bella thru her homework and tucked in for the night and snatch a kiss from jason. still, at the end of the day, i don't know that i was able to help the situation at all.

i've prayed for this person. and despite more aggravation than you could possibly know, i genuinely feel for this person. they've had such a hard life, and tho i don't begin to know the fullness of their story, my heart aches for their hurt. and so, despite the circumstances, time and time again, i find myself coming to their rescue in a sense, championing for them. i don't know why. i just feel its the right thing to do.

i'm no saint, by any means. truth be told, its been far easier for me to openly show them my exasperation rather than my patience. and i am guilty, in that at times, it has been easier to make a joke at their expense, than to try to understand where they were coming from. i'm ashamed to admit that. and i'm ashamed to admit i've even done so in front of my husband and daughter , only to later have to humble myself before them and admit my fault. what a great example, huh? but its been true. me, in the judgement seat, where none of us has the right to be.

you know, i've prayed for a close friend, for a really long time. and i feel that God has made me wait because i needed to figure out how to come to Him first. i've wanted some live in-the-flesh person ... someone.... to hear me. to love my heart. to hold me accountable. yet i find myself in this strange position where i've become this exact thing for someone else. and i realize how strange Gods' ways are. and how far i fall short.

i know that you can't let yourself become overrun with the needs and wants of everyone around you. but so often i find myself instinctually drawn to just such people. people that are hurt and broken and need so much..... love, forgiveness, acceptance, kindness. a chance. to be heard, respected, validated, wanted.

tonite, as i pointed to scripture for this person, and prayed that God wrap His arms around them and give them strength and the right words to get them thru this new ordeal, i surprised myself at how easy it had been to do just that. and i found myself talking to them about things that i, myself need to put into practice.

a need to calm their spirit. to listen to Gods voice. a need for balance.

i jumped whole-heartedly into this losing weight thing, but i'm struggling really, really hard right now. and for alot of reasons. i'm not sure that taking this new night shift at work has been the smartest thing i've ever done. i'm in a difficult position with jasons hours and majorly limited child care. so this shift covers those bases, plus more hours than i was getting, which lends almost an extra hundred dollars to each paycheck, which we so desperately needed. i also have tenure, vacation time built up and recently, a new raise with this job, which binds me, in a way.

but it also leaves me physically and spiritually drained during the week, trying desperately to catch up and keep a *normal* schedule for my family. its become difficult for me to sleep more than 2-3 hours at a time. so my insides and my outsides are in a tail-spin. maybe my subconscious realized that a calorie counter and exercise were at least 2 things i could feasibly control. i dunno. but i'm tired the majority of the time anymore and i'm resentful that this change hasn't afforded me any more family time than i was already getting, nor have i been able to make it to church any more than i was before. after 12 hour shifts, i come home exhausted. i try to sleep.... i'm hungry at all the wrong times.

blech.

so that balance thing comes into play again.

and then, after all these months and years, kermit and candace invited us over to have dinner with them this week. tomorrow, actually. and this has been heavy on my heart. do i swallow my own hurt and show them grace and Gods love, in the midst of this tragedy, now 3 years old. or is it ok for me to voice my very real, very honest hurt and close that door.

at best, maybe we would have a *nice* evening, tolerable. filled with busy *filler* talk, avoiding, in the midst of 5 little ones running around. or maybe he would explain why, after all these years. why he raped me. why he betrayed a marriage and a lifelong friendship. maybe, with tears in his eyes, he would beg my forgiveness.

at worst, maybe he would say nothing at all.

but after all this time, i just don't think i can sit in the same room with him and look him in the face. it keeps me up tonite. it haunts me.

it devastates me. body and soul.

and yet i feel drawn. and i feel it unfair. unfair of God to ask me to love. to forgive. to face him.

God, my heart cries tonite. i don't know what you're asking of me. i only know that it hurts. even now. after all this time. please wrap Your arms around me tonite and give me peace and an understanding. help me find this balance. let the background fade away.

and just hold me.

shake those shamrocks

you know that verse: "mourning will last for the night, but joy comes in the morning".....

i'm so glad thats true. so the scale (or wii balance board as the case may be) was not my friend yesterday. but succeeding in feeling sorry for myself isn't nearly as much fun as one might imagine. so moving on, i've decided i'm still happy that i'm working at it and my abs and thighs, hidden somewhere, are feeling the ache of that joy too. so i think feeling good still has some merit on this journey.

so happy st. patty's everyone! aside from christmas, my birthday, and the first day of fall, this is one of my most favorite days of the year. 'can't explain it really. just IS. we've got loads of scotch and irish pumping thru our veins around here and growing up, it was always a celebrated holiday. oh i know its mostly silly and fun. but i like excuses to be silly and fun. and i love how my mom always knows me so well. a few days ago, we received one of her famous care packages in the mail and i don't know who was more excited ~ me or bella. inside, was chock-full of green goodness. m&m's, nail polish, leprechaun hats....you name it. photos to come....

for lunch, i treated myself to reuben sandwich at arby's, since my crazy husband and daughter don't know whats good. ha! and for supper, its breakfast ~ green eggs and ham.

and if thats not all, this lovely little trinket arrived just today. its my anniversary present from jason. a little early, but i couldn't resist and had to try it on. its beautiful.



so enjoy your day out there, kiddos. hugs!

Bummed

So i've been keeping my calorie counter for 3 weeks now. And i've done really well. I've lowered my intake. And have gone over my limit just 3 x's in 21 days, which i'm really proud of. i've made healthier choices. I've been drinking more water.

I haven't managed to exercise every day yet, with work and some weather, but i'm averaging 3 days out of my week; on occasion, 4. I know the long term goal is the ultimate goal....to become healthier, slowly, steadily, so i maintain my loss.

but some good numbers on the scale would be awesome. I won't lie.

i FEEL like i've lost a good 5 lbs. And weighing myself at work on sunday, the scale showed an 8 lb difference.Which really helped to boost my confidence. I think i came home strutting, actually.

So this morning, i walked a brisk 3 miles and logged in a workout on the wii. 'Went to weigh myself and the balance board shows zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Negator.

Which. Totally. Sucks.