as an aside....

*why is facebook so addictive. and yet why must people insist on texting or messaging me instead of just call somebody.

*why have wendy's and/or subway not been receiving my psychic vibe to provide me with free fresh salads or sandwiches?

*who invented the pta. and why do they bombard me with cookie dough orders within the first month of school. While I'm Counting Calories.

*why must i love the bravo channel so much. Top Chef, Rachel Zoe, Flipping Out....i blame you.

*whose idea was it to create this thing called puberty. and is there a vaccine for it? more specifically, how much would it cost to skip it all together.....lets talk turkey.

*why won't someone just give me their old treadmill. or elliptical. i'm not picky

*why can i not sleep today

*oi

one day at a time

my devotion moment for the day, out of God Calling....

Trials and troubles may seem to overwhelm you. But they cannot do more than work My Will, and that Will you have said is your Will. Do you not see that you cannot be destroyed? From now a new Life is opening out before you. Yours to enter into the Kingdom I have prepared for you. The sunlight of My Presence is on your paths. Trust and go forward unafraid. My Grace is sufficient for all your needs.

In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me. Psalm 56:11

the terms *change* and *transition* are synonymous with this time of year. i think the atmosphere heaves its sigh of relief to the ending of hot temperatures and looks forward to cooler nights and crisp leaves and the sights and smells of the upcoming holidays sneaking around the corner. And peoples' inner workings do the same; i'm no different.

some days are just hard, aren't they. i wish, at times, that i could plug my headphones into this thought bank of mine that seems to be racing full-speed ahead without me.

its days like these when i have to remind myself to slow down and stay present. in my quiet time with God. with my husband and daughter. with myself and my own needs.

this last week, i was humbled on more than one occasion. jason & i disagreed on a bathroom floor project that spiraled out of hand when the both of us stood firm in our stubborness. i got angry over the weekend when he exhibited a behavior that took me back instantly to my marriage with lee. but rather than explain why it hurt me so much, i turned on my heel with a flippant remark, that left him angry & confused. the next day when i childishly misread something and confronted him with little to no tact, he became instantly defensive and i went in like a dog in a foxhole, teeth bared.

we silently agreed to disagree and when he left to pick bella up from a sleepover, i headed out to my favorite walking spot to vent and sweat out some frustration. and as i marched down the path, shouting in my head, i could slowly see God out of the corner of my eye, matching me step for step, smiling, waiting patiently for me to give Him a word in edgewise.

i think i do that a little too often. and i'm working on it.

in reality, it wasn't my husband that i was so upset with, but frustration with myself and some of the obstacles in my life right now that are out of my control. as i rested under a giant shady oak tree, i felt God gently reminding me that all He wants from me is me. one day at a time.

i've been trying so hard to lose this excess weight of mine. 60 pounds since i had bella. :( but what i'm discovering with every new day, is that alot of this heaviness doesn't even compare to the extra luggage i've stored away in corners of my heart. they don't really make a scale for that. so instead of feeling like such a failure, when i look in the mirror, i need to reaffirm the positive. each day that i dig in a little deeper. each day that i choose to move, is one step closer. and i need to allow myself to be proud of my accomplishments. i've lost 7 pounds since august 8th. and that may not be of *biggest loser* epic proportions. but its mine. and its ok to validate myself. i don't need to compare myself to any other pre-conceived notions. i just need to rely on the fact that God's right here with me. and because of that, i don't have to finish this race alone.

i've been struggling with my night schedule at work. i can't get used to it...i'm not getting the rest i need and my energy has been zapped. and as i've been looking for a *way out*, i find myself still here in this spot. and that can seem almost hopeless at times. but then i'm reminded to stay faithful in the small stuff. rather than focus on the negative aspects, appreciate the positives: there's an exercise bike in the staff room. i've slowly worked my way up to 10 minutes at a time. a whopping 3 miles. in my mind that seems painfully slow. but i have to remember that i crawled before i walked. and walked before i ran. and all that extra time also allows me to dig deeper in my spiritual walk too.

i've been frustrated with what i consider a serious lack of a decent girl friend in my life. i'm so blessed to have my mom & my sister just a phone call a way, yet its not the same. i've felt let down and discouraged with the women that are here and i've prayed that God would send a friend my way. but maybe i need to realize the beauty in going to Him first for all things, before He can answer that prayer....

i've been angry with jason because i've wanted him to take more initiative.....to pry the reigns from my hands when i get overwhelmed. to be romantic and plan a date nite once in a blue moon. but more importantly, i guess i wanted him to just know that without me ever saying a word. its funny how men don't work that way. :) turns out communication goes a long way.

so today as i walked that same walk; as my legs were moving, i asked for my mind to be still. to remember that i don't have to do this alone. to take it one day at a time.

one...two...skip a few.

wow. random posts, much?

we spent this past weekend at the *vacation* home of some friends of some friends. in actuality we were just 10 minutes from home and watering the dog, but we pretended we were in bora bora and had picnics and went swimming and played board games and shot pool late into the evenings and dared anyone to spoil our fun with filthy talk about such things as *reality*.

and then we woke up this morning to monday and school and work and i determined to dust off a few things in my life that i've been neglecting. beginning here. maybe its because its august, which means fall is just around the bend...which means i've cycled into my *must DO things* mode. but mostly, its that i realized i've missed you all. i've missed reading. and i've missed writing.

'hard to put in a nutshell, the events of the last few months. we slowly dipped our toes back into a communication with k & candace. and i think for the first time, i'm ok with the ebbs and flows that that entails. i found a great new place to walk and i've been trying to get there as often as i can during the week for a good, solid 3 mile hike. jason took up an interest in fly fishing...i learned what this facebook thing was all about. in may/june, i went home for abit to join my sister & work on our parents house for a couple weeks. another time, i'd really like to touch on that subject but for now, i'll say that i was grateful for the time and the togetherness it granted. we never made the family reunion or took any big trips. we finally made it camping. i'm a new auntie for the 4th time.

i'm gonna catch up abit....and i'll be back around.

I thought it was illegal to have more than 1 kids party per week

I have 3. Count em. 3.

two of which i was just informed of this morning. One of which is tonite.

Also, while i'm at it? Am i the only one that remembers scholastic book orders from back in the day, where books were like $1. i just had an argument with the resident 9 year old in the house about an Eight Dollar Book. Am i really this old now? or am i just this dillusional.

I have clocked in just under 36 overtime hours so far this week. My phone AND car have been in the shop. Managed to make the "breakfast of champions" and assembly at bella's school this morning, pick up my paycheck and go 3 diff places to pay bills. I registered bella for AM educare, did 2 loads of laundry and now plan on a 2 hour nap, before shopping for 3 separate kids parties, ages 6, 3 and 2. 'Need to get my nephews' while i'm at it. And if i have one more mom tell me "oh just whatever" as a gift idea, i may just go off the deep end. Also, remind me i need to dig out the easter basket for an egg hunt on sunday.

If you see someone's sanity whistling down the road, flag it down, would ya? I miss that sucker.

when keepin' on makes sense

i read the greatest blog entry tonite. and especially loved these words by beth moore :

"God allows wounding in your life so that He can bring healing."

i found myself in the unique position of relaying a portion of my testimony last night, to someone that is hurting right now in their own life. and thru our parallel stories, as i relived the events of my past and heard my own words, i felt such an encompassing peace. and i thanked God for His perfect timing and strange, mysterious ways.

thursday rolled around this week, heavy on the busy side. i fielded work calls, cleaned house and voraciously steamed carpets.

i'd received a text message from candace that morning, asking if we were coming.

i'd been avoiding this confirmation, putting it off as long as i could, burying myself down deep in physical work. i paced the house, praying and thinking, scrubbing at imaginary spots on my floors. i texted jason and said i didn't know if i could do this. i didn't think i was strong enough. he asked if i wanted him to cover for me and say something like i was called into work....maybe another time would be better... or we didn't have to do this at all.....we could close this door....

i said no, whether we went or not, i had to be straight with her and come from a place of total honesty.

and so i did. i wrote that there was a very real part of me that wanted, no, needed to come. but there was the other side of me, still hurting and wounded, 3 years later, that was fearful. because i'd lost so much and hurt so badly. where had she been all this time. where were they when i begged and pleaded to get thru this together. seek counseling. and what were we hoping to gain from this meeting. because i couldn't go down this road again, without some sense of clarity.

my big brave indiana jones step of faith on to thin air, just wasn't gonna be enough this time.

i didn't hear back from her for quite awhile. my mind set about sarcastically imagining her reaction and bracing myself for a comeback.

i took a moment to read my devotion:

March 18 - Your Resolutions

Listen, I am your Lord. Before me there is none other. Just trust Me in everything. Help is here all the time.

The difficult way is nearly over, but you have learnt in it lessons you could learn in no other way. "The kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force." Wrest from Me, by firm and simple trust and persistent prayer, the treasures of My Kingdom.

Such wonderful things are coming to you, Joy - Peace - Assurance - Security - Health - Happiness - Laughter again.

Claim big, really big, things now. Remember, nothing is too big. Satisfy the longings of My Heart to give to you. Blessing, abundant blessing on you both now and always. Peace.

"Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show you great and
mighty things, which you knowest not." - Jeremiah 33:3

she texted back, asking if i'd be willing to talk to her on the phone.

and nearly an hour later, as we said our goodbye's, it was with a quiet, calm spirit.

we met with them that night. amidst the playful chatter and chaos of 5 little ones underfoot, we sat around their table, the 4 of us, and talked, late into the evening.

i have always felt, and believe still, that often our greatest testimony comes not from the closing of doors, but the choosing to walk thru them, and the journey therein. not for the faint of heart; at times, painstakingly slow. baby steps. maybe even a crawl.

but do i believe it worth it, every step? without a shadow of a doubt, yes.

what happened to me 3 years ago, shattered my existence as i knew it. and i've struggled daily, to regain my peace and hope and joy.

but i believe with all my heart, that God intended all of this for His good. this time 3 years ago, there were 4 people on an out-of-control roller coaster, in desperate need of some brakes. so God had to throw us from the tracks.

and we all landed hard.

but i'll tell you something. i can honestly say i don't know where i'd be today, had God not thrown us from the track and this not happened. i don't believe my marriage would have sustained, had this not happened. i don't believe the 4 of us could have sat together, thursday night and shared all of this, our story, our testimony, had this not happened. its so easy to walk away in this world, when you're wronged, in the name of closure. the hard part, is facing yourself and all the ugliness and hidden demons attached. and getting through it, to the other side.

so this is a step. and a work in progress. but i thank God so much for His perfect love and redemption and grace.

good things to come.