grace like rain

phillip larue has a song coming out that i love. i played it over and over this morning while driving to meet up with a friend and apply for a coordinator position in a nursing home that i'm really hoping to land.

its called "running so long".

i'm so thankful for the internet some days. i think, at times, we can feel so very much alone. its an unparalleled blessing to have this format where we can voice our innermost fears and questions and concerns, even joys, and somehow, across the abyss of life and circumstances and a myriad of faceless people, be heard.

i've had this little blip on the map for just over a year now. i blogged yesterday, wondering if it had become my crutch, yet today lean towards saving grace. sometimes i think God places us in a position where we need abit of a crutch to help hold us up when maybe we're not doing so great on our own. when its hard to keep the faith in unseenand believe that we're worthy; that we're enough.

your comments always mean so much to me. i started this page at such a harsh time in my life. it was, in every sense of the word, my hearts-cry. and your kind thoughts and words thru the last year have been such a god-send. such an encouragement. i love you for that.

and you're right. we ARE enough. even when we don't feel like it ~ scratch that ~ especially when we don't feel like it. and always.

i managed to sneak away to church a couple sundays ago...the first time i'd been able to in nearly 2 months. for one reason after another, i just hadn't been able to break away from work with one of my girls. even this time was a struggle, and we nearly didn't make it. Flow and I settled in to the service with a guest speaker, and while the message wasn't really anything spectacular or earth shattering ~ the title was "certainty"~ it served its purpose in a very poignant way when he began to wrap up.

He pointed out that there was a small black piece of paper in the chair in front of everyone, with a pencil. He then asked that we place all of our angst, our imagined failures, our spectacular disasters, our screw-ups, our indiscretions into 3 words:

i am forgiven.

he reminded us that we are always enough; that we're never too far gone. that no matter the situation; no matter the worlds' opinion; no matter whats beating us down, that those 3 words are always an absolute. that whole "as far as the east is from the west" thing is true. and then he asked us to rip up our paper and let the pieces fall at our feet.

it was very meaningful to me... something i struggled with in repeatedly in counseling and still wrestle today. i want to believe i'm forgiven; i'm not at fault; i can lay it down. i can move on. but i inevitably always take my backpack back. as tho i'm not really sure if any of that is true.

sometimes, i feel like i'm raining on the inside. and i find i'm so uncertain of this person i am and who i'm supposed to be.

jason saw k at work. they've had their 4th ~ a boy. he and jason talked briefly and in parting, k said "we've been praying for you". when he told me,i quietly took it in. i wanted to take him at face value; wanted to believe he meant it. but after all this time, i find that i still spew venom when i speak his name.

i think there is a huge gaping wound that i carry with me somehow wherever i go. made that much deeper and bitter with a closure that will never fully come, but that i somehow have to get past.

i reactivated my myspace account some time ago. for me, it became the proverbial dangling carrot; in part, due to her mothers concern. in part, due to my own morbid curiosity and dare i say, hope. i wanted to prove that rather than shut that door, i was no longer afraid. that i was willing to push it wide open.

and all this time has gone by, with nothing. every effort i made felt cheap or thwarted.

and then, today, there was candace. in a multitude of snapshots and bright, cheery entries. and i am flooded with grief. at this and so much more.

i ran across a poem that k wrote a little over a year ago:

I AM LEGEND,

IN MY OWN TIME.

USING MY WORDS,

IN PHRASES AND RHYMES.

THE ONES WHO KNOW ME,

LOVE ME OR HATE.

THERES NO MIDDLE GROUND,

MAKE A CHOICE, WHY WAIT.

I AM,

WHO I AM.

I AM,

WHAT I AM.

I CAN BE NO MORE,

I CAN BE NO LESS.

LIVINNG MY LIFE,

THROUGH LOVE AND STRESS.

THE PATH I WALK,

IS MINE ALONE.

LEADING ME,

TO AN ETERNAL HOME.

A HOME OF GRACE,

OR A HOME OF FIRE.

A LIFE OF TRUTH,

OR A LIFE OF DESIRE.

WHICH I CHOOSE,

IS UP TO ME.

THE FUTURE OF MINE,

IM YET TO SEE.

I LIVE MY LIFE,

THE WAY I CHOOSE.

EACH CHOICE MINE,

WIN OR LOSE.

I MAKE MY DECISION,

I MAKE MY MIND.

NOT WANTING TO FAST FORWARD,

UNABLE TO REWIND.

I LIVE MY LIFE,

AS BEST I CAN.

IM NOT IMMORTAL,

IM MEERLY A MAN.

his words. his choice to rip my life apart. his cry for help?

i go back to that day. and then the anger and the tears. and the years gone by. i go back to that moment in walmart. was he really sorry. did i really forgive.

and i know that we all deserve grace and forgiveness. but i feel as tho these last few years, every time i've struggled to stand back up, God has continuously allowed me to be pushed back down. there are times when i can't see His face. is He looking at me or has He turned away, because this is what i need, right now.

all i understand is that i've felt so unsettled. so unhappy, lately. and i need it to go away.

some days, i just get a little tired of the rain.