stuff

i watched Today's interview with gayle haggard this morning and while i know her stance is viewed widely thru *skeptic vision* around the world, i find her to be blatantly honest, with a dignity and grace that are unparalleled. and i understand why accepting her choice seems so strange in today's world, where leaving is logical and staying and choosing to love through something so unbelievably painful seems insane to so many.

but to me, it shows hope. and it makes me feel so not all alone.

i started a new shift at work last weekend. fri/sat/sun 12 hours overnight.

i jumped at the chance when it was offered. more hours = more money = less on-the-job stress due to less business politics and unruly staff to deal with = more time with the family = win/win.

i dunno. i guess i thought magical fairies would pop out of my gluten free breakfast cereal and sprinkle rainbows and energy after a 2 hour nap, and i'd have all day on the weekends to ride bikes, steam clean carpets, master the art of french cooking and do craaaazy things like spend quality time together.

the term *regret* might be accurate if maybe somewhat premature, as jason gently points out. saturday, laying down at 10 am, with the help of tylenol pm, i was up 4 pm. the house was empty. i was energized. i whipped up a batch of brownies and made one of my signature *homemade* pizza's. i watched a couple "ellens" on the dvr. i checked the clock like 60x's. i texted jason. i ate a piece of pizza and warmed the oven up for the 3rd time. at 10 after 7, jason and bella arrived back home. bella, in time to grab a brownie and a change of clothes, blowing a kiss out the door to a sleepover. jason, apologizing for having too much fun, playing on the 4 wheelers with his buddy.

so i left the house angry, and 30 minutes too early. and i drove around aimlessly in the dark, crying, feeling sorry for myself, trying to pass the time.

whats' funny, is that they'd been trying to do me a favor. i happen to have what i like to call bat sonar for ears. which has been both really helpful and incessantly annoying, thru the years. during a migraine, every single vibration is intensified. and sleeping is never deep; i can hear a flea fart at 20 paces. i've worked 12 hour shifts for the past 3 years and it takes me nearly 2 days to recuperate, after my schedule. i'm not being a whiny baby, but sleep is just so not a friend of mine. i try to avoid the sleep aids unless completely unavoidable and neccesary. so i feel tired alot of the time. if it isn't my brain on auto-pilot, its my ears. and the rest of me is just along for the ride.

but back to my depression. ugh. its just so not fair, this money business. i miss the good old days when moms got to be moms and grow gardens and plan meals; host tupperware parties, and visiting was something you all did together. when one income was enough. when life didn't cost so much.

mostly i just hate that i have to work, period. there, i said it. life sucks and then you get the runs. and i'm just feeling sorry for myself. i know its just growing pains, but i feel like i work so hard and yet i'm left out of nearly everything & i don't get to participate in my family's life on their off-time. i've applied for cna work... many places have a hiring freeze right now. and even so, i've come to terms with the very real possibility that any job i manage to pick up there will more than likely involve the 12 hour shifts as well. working the weekends, or overnight shifts, ensures that one of us will always be there for bella. if she's sick, if she's on break, has a dentist appointment, summer...you get the picture. and so, that's what i do.

i know this too shall pass. and i'll get over my whining. but sometimes life is just one big hemorrhoid. and me, without a butt pillow.

le sigh.

so where was i....so saturday night, when i did clock in, it was to absolute chaos and destruction. while i gritted my teeth and began rounds and cleanup, one of the day staff just sat on the couch, watching me work, sprawled out, like a weeks' worth of washin', and my blood just finally boiled over. so i took a deep breath and confronted said staff sprawler, asking her nicely to please keep me out of future conversations with another staff member.

now then. i was perfectly sweet. polite. i even plastered on a smile for good measure, for i couldn't help myself.

but i didn't need to. and i should have left it alone. its kinda like the old story, the boy kicks the dog who bites the cat who scratches the dad, who yells at the mom who scolds the boy, who kicks the dog.....you get it.

but this is me we're talking about, of course. the one that cannot leave well enough alone. and because i couldn't control anything else, well why not control my mouth either.

out of the blue, i got a text message from another coworker earlier in the week, informing me that the 2 of them had been discussing my weight. how thoughtful.

i think it went a little something like this: "so L and i were talking and i mentioned there's a girl in my class that looks like you and she said oh really? and i said yeah, and she said she thinks you've always been kinda big and i said i think i remember when you were smaller."

now, then. i knew better. because, come on, i'm almost 35 years old. because on my non-fat days, i am totally convinced i am one fine cougar.

because, they have just reintroduced peaches and cream barbie from 1985, my friends. for 45 bones, mind you. but which, at any rate, brings back realllllly fond memories from 25 years ago.

because, come on, what is this, kindergarten? it was stupid and childish. and this particular coworker loves nothing more than a good fight. so i understood it for what it was....she was simply trying to bait me; get under my skin. hurt my feelings. get something started.

and as much as i hate to admit it, she did a mighty fine job. because it just so happens i've been on a body loathing hiatus for the past month or so and then this schedule change that has left me soooo uplifted, and so because i was in such a spectacularly super mood, i kindly asked the 2nd perpetrator to leave me out of future discussions.

ba-dum-bum. 'nuff said. moving on.

instead of apologizing , however, said staff sprawler burst into tears and somehow, rather than gloating in my own self-defense and satisfaction, i found myself holding her, trying to calm her down, as she bawled at the injustice of the texting narc who tattled on her.

what just happened.

i mean, seriously, God? seriously?

i'mma tell ya what. if this state of the union address tonite doesn't at the very least ensure that jason will be hired on permanately after 90 days?

not for nothin, but obama, you so owe me a butt pillow.

how joy comes

it is the result of desiring my will only, in every detail, and then the realization of the wonderful way i can act for you when you leave the planning to Me.

that was an excerpt from my devotion tonite. and very much needed.

its been such a busy week with a work filled weekend up ahead as well. i'm so tired. and this wanna-be pneumonia type crud thats been hanging on me for 2 weeks now isn't helping. i find myself longing to talk with someone.

i think i spent so much of the first part of my life, trying to find my voice. and then when i did, i never really learned to shut up. sometimes i think i talk TOO much in conversation. desperate to be listened to. and often, i'm cut off or interrupted. something that i've grown accustomed to, yet nevertheless, hurts.

a coworker texted me tonite asking for information. and while answering her back, i thought i was sharing what she wanted to know, when she abruptly cut me off and said, "thanks. that'll do it. not to be rude, but i'm tired and i have a long day ahead."

yah. me too. i'm taking 2 of our MR clients to knoxville for dentist appointments in the morning and will be on the clock til 8 tomorrow night. i'm familiar with "tired".

le sigh.

so my mantra today is, "let my words be few. and let them be from You."

with people, that is. so i'm thankful for this space that is mine. where my voice has a place. where i can speak from my heart. more often than not, i feel so inadequate when i pray. yet somehow, here in this place, i'm able to quiet my heart and talk to the one guy that's never let me down. so this has become my prayer closet, of sorts. my confessional.

and i'm so grateful that God never gets tired of my voice. no matter how far lost i manage to find myself at times.

a hopeful heart

i love bloglandia. so many beautiful reminders out there today. here are just 3, by three women i greatly admire and am always so inspired by:

I try to wrap my mind around what it takes to keep this field, this family, alive and thriving. I know I should be watching her hopeful eyes and capable hands for a sign, but all I can see is her feet. How she carefully picks her way through the muddy field, how she knows where to step, how to walk, where to stand. How the immense strength of her spirit carries her, even as the frailty of her body dares her destiny and expands her hope

and this...

Skate is a word that speaks to me of letting go. Skate speaks to me of childhood, and crystal blue skies and forward motion. Skate speaks of speed and abandon and laughter.

So SKATE, I choose you as my word. I welcome you in and hope you bring a sense of ease, grace, fluidity. I know you will bring falls, and bumps, but I will remember they are teachers and like my hockey suited self, I will bounce up from them unharmed. In fact, they will make me laugh. I look forward to gliding along and seeing where we go together, you and I.

Now, you, tell me…What is your word for 2010? What do you wish to welcome in to your year?

and this...

“Can you imagine what it is to cross the ocean? For weeks you see nothing but the horizon…perfect and empty. You live in the grip of fear. Fear of storms. fear of sickness on board, fear of the immensity. So you must drive that fear down deep into you belly… study your charts, watch your compass, pray for a fair wind and hope……pure, naked, fragile, hope. At first it’s no more then a haze on the horizon…so you watch…you watch. Then it’s a smudge, a shadow in the far water. For a day…for another day, the stain slowly spreads along the horizon taking form until on the third day you let yourself believe…you dare to whisper the word, “land….” Land, life, resurrection, the true adventure…coming out of the vast unknown, out of the immensity into new life…..that is the New World.”

In the right perspective I feel that this is a overwhelmingly and bold description of a life of faith and hope… and how I can only dream it feels to be entering into the New World promised to us by our God says there is always a hope… no matter how long it has been since you saw land.

Where do you find hope?

random katnip

jason and i each bought eachother one gift for christmas this year; a luxury we really hadn't anticipated. i told him i wanted the biggest loser game for the wii. target had it for $20. woot. shameless plug.

when he traded in his xbox to get a wii back in the spring, i never thought i could actually enjoy a gaming system. but i LOVE it. i think because it goes against everything i thought video games were. its interactive. you actually have to participate and MOVE. and the 3 of us can bowl and golf and race bikes and fight bad guys and be guitar hero rock gods and shoot toilet plungers at *rabbids* and just plain PLAY. together. as a family.

so, that said. i'm loving my new game. but to do so, meant sucking it up and actually weighing myself for the first time in MONTHS. which a)SUCKED. and b) meant i had to wait for a day where i was completely alone to MOURN. last year at this time, i was so stinkin' proud of myself. for the first time in years, i'd actually LOST weight over the holidays. and then i started walking and maintained that routine for several MONTHS before all of a sudden my beautiful little thing i had going for myself dissapeared like a fart in the wind and i fell fat on my face.

sooooo i finally sucked it up and weighed myself. and i was none too happy. but its a start. and any start is a good start. however, is it really not SAD that not only can jillian make the contestants throw up on the SHOW, but she has the same effect thru the magic of a video game as well. hello? are you for REAL? and i thought YOGA was overrated. who knew you could burn 8 calories by bending yourself into a pretzel, all while distributing your weight evenly on a balance board. oi vey.

but i digress.

i find myself wanting to be around positivity right now. maybe its becuz i feel like i've been oozing little more than sludge and bitterness around here lately. but at any rate, i've found those bright spots in the oddest places recently.... i'm loving the ellen and bonnie hunt morning shows. they're just good PEOPLE. i caught richard simmons in an interview the other day and even tho he might just be the looniest person i know, his energy and joy and spirit are just infectious. i watched the news special on the crisis in haiti tonite and my heart just cries for these people. yet i sat just overwhelmed and amazed at the various international groups that have immediately responded to their need for help. a local family this week learned their son in iraq had been gunned down. in an interview with our local news, his father openly cried as he described his sons loyalty and character. his dreams and lust for life. when asked if he blames the war, he proudly shook his head and said, "greater love hath no man, than he lay down his life for his brother".

gosh, it just puts everything in perspective, you know? the world never stands still. never WILL, really. and we're always going to have these moments...these struggles....these hurdles. these tragedies. this pain. but there are so many beautiful things. sooooo many. and i realize how BLESSED we are. to be a part in ALL of this.

jason started back to work this week. for the same company that laid him off. Seven. Months. Ago. i'm inwardly so afraid that his choice will backfire, 90 some odd days from now. when the work is caught up and he's just another expendable payroll number. i'm ANGRY with him. for not recognizing his own worth. for not finishing his schooling. for not taking his state test after going thru the classes and clinicals. for taking the easy way out and going back to his comfort zone. for going down this road yet again, and inevitably taking us with him. inwardly, i want to scream and kick something really hard. i want to demand that he grow up. that he stop falling back on whats familiar. that he stop depending on me to catch that fall.

but outwardly, i love him. and i tell him i will support his decision. that i may not agree with it. but i acknowledge his right to make that decision for himself.

and i realize i can ONLY be responsible for myself. i can't fill the void and gap for anyone. i can love and support. but i can't be his self worth. i can only be responsible for mine. for my actions. for the choices i make day to day. and i HAVE to take care of myself. i have to be able to love and accept myself and move forward and not allow myself to be held back by fear.

3 years ago this month, i was raped. by a friend that was closer than a brother. it tore my world apart. it broke me. and in ways i cannot even begin to explain to you. i had known darkness and despair. but this is a grief that never really LEAVES you, i've come to believe. somehow, in some way, you find the ability in yourself to get back up. to move forward. but there are moments; days even, when that hollow darkness just engulfs you. its a pain that it unparalleled. and lately, those darker moments have been visited afresh. I know in my heart that God is walking me down that road for a purpose. and some days, that belief and that trust are the only things getting me through.

but i know that i WANT to make it. i want to make a dent in this journey. and i want a purpose filled, well lived LIFE. even if its just that one baby step at a time.

so each morning that i get back up and i try... its a GOOD day. and its a start.

happy new year

when i'm nervous, stressed, at my breaking point, i do one of two things; have a massive and incapacitating migraine. or i have diarrhea.

its fun, really. wading thru a med class or interview or parent teacher conference with tunnel vision or the Ninth Revolt Of The Bowels.

this morning, upon waking up with a migraine, i followed up my excedrin with a 3 lb 6oz poo baby.

you're welcome.